4.3
May 16, 2021

Even Warriors Cry.

 

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It’s 1:30 in the afternoon, and I’m no longer in my zoom class.

Instead, I am puking into the toilet.

I’m supposed to give a presentation today, but I can’t.

Instead, I lay here on the floor and pray for this feeling to pass.

I don’t know what’s wrong, but I am not myself.

Tears running down my cheeks, I wonder how I got here.

So much feels like a blur.

I didn’t really choose this path. Instead, I landed here after various experiences, many of them that I didn’t exactly want.

It’s been eight years now since I packed my suitcase and left my childhood home, and some days I feel as if my life is spinning around me or I’m spinning in my life. I don’t know which is more accurate.

I’m the kind of person who always gets work done no matter what, but today I can’t.

I just can’t do it.

I need to lay here.

I need to puke.

I just need to hold myself today and try again tomorrow.

I can’t pretend that I’m okay when I’m not.

I need to tell someone, so I’m writing the world today.

Today I can’t do it.

I can’t pretend to be okay.

All I can do is hold myself.

All I can do is lay here and try again tomorrow.

And I will try.

Not today, though.

Tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow I will go to work.

Tomorrow, I will do my homework.

Tomorrow, I will finally shower and put on some clean clothes.

Tomorrow, I will smile again and walk with my head held high.

Today, though, I will allow myself to lay here and cry.

I will allow myself this day to let it out.

I will allow myself this time so I can heal.

I will allow myself this time because even warriors cry.

Yes, even warriors cry.

~

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