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I fully believe our sexuality is something we’re born with.
But I also believe we have a little bit of a choice.
I’ve been straight basically my whole life. I was inundated with narratives of heterosexual relationships and was always taught that straight was normal and normal was right.
I don’t remember how old I was when I first discovered porn, but I was probably not even a teenager. Interestingly, the heterosexual stuff bored me. Maybe because it was too normalized, and I needed something more “taboo,” but I can’t really say.
Now, the gay stuff—that worked. I was young and because of my toxic programming, I thought, “Oh no, am I a lesbian? What if I grow up to be a lesbian?”
I knew I would be rejected by society if I claimed my gayness, and the thought of being rejected was daunting. My fear of being different led to an obsession with fitting in.
I prayed to God to protect me from becoming a lesbian.
It breaks my heart that I used to think that way—that loving another woman hard enough to explore new depths of intimacy would be a social nightmare.
But our minds can change—I know because mine did. I think falling in love with anyone would be a blessing—f*ck the labels. I believe in the time-stopping, belly-laughter kind of love, and I think that could be found with anyone.
I choose to identify as pansexual because limiting myself feels counterintuitive to the open, authentic life I’ve vowed to live.
Just like my diet, though, I don’t find it necessary to label my sexuality. It feels silly to give something more power than it needs or to make myself feel like I need to adhere to the labels I’ve created or been given.
But we live in a world where labels have become a primary tool of understanding one another, and they often can’t be escaped.
But that’s another reason why I’ve chosen pansexuality as my “label” because it’s just broad enough to feel like it’s not even a label at all.
I’ll admit: I’m definitely more sexually attracted to male-identifying humans, and let’s face it, I’m probably mostly straight, but sexuality is a spectrum, and I’m undoubtedly not on either end.
And I hate to break it to you, “straight” folks, you probably aren’t either.
Can someone please tell me why we live in such a binary world? Why must there always be one or the other?
Black or white.
Female or male.
Gay or straight.
Happy or unhappy.
What if I’m just a little happy and a little unhappy at the same time? Can I please just be both without having to explain myself?
It’s important to note that I’m a cis-gender, white, mostly straight female, and I feel this way.
Now, imagine how all the queer, trans, non-binary folks feel in this world. Many of them feel unsafe, depressed, and dysphoric. Why?
Because we live in a society where people still believe there’s a right way.
But really, there’s no right way to anything.
The possibilities are limitless, and that’s one of the most beautiful things about this world. It just takes the willingness to be able to see it.