I went through a period of life where I was striving like a hungry ghost to achieve some level of success & impact in the world that would finally give my ego the satisfaction that it yearned for.

In spite of completing a Tedx & self publishing my first book, which were quite a feat for someone that has long feared the power of her own voice, there was still this incessant push to do more.

I would look at women like Glennon Doyle and get upset. “That should be me,” I’d say to myself.

I’d latch on to her words “First the pain. Then the rising” like gospel.

Why wasn’t it like that for me?

There would be pain, and then I’d rise and then another pain, and then I’d rise and another pain and then I’d rise.

Why did it seem that others could have a personal transformation & then stand on a stage in a way that made the ground beneath their feet appear to be solid.

I felt like I was that serpent eating its own tail in a never ending cycle of birth and death.

“God, I’d scream. Are we there yet?”

And God would respond, “Where are you off to in such a rush?”

The hungry ghost in me was hell bent on fighting to be seen whereas God seemed pretty hell bent on keeping me hidden.

In retrospect, I’m happy for every hungry ghost dream that got blocked, because had the cloak of invisibility been removed back then I don’t think I could have handled it.

The truth is that the hungry ghost in me needed to be satiated by some humble sandwiches.

It wasn’t easy at all to come face to face with my strengths and limitations.

It wasn’t easy to face fantasy from reality.

It wasn’t easy to let that serenity prayer that hangs in front of my bed to sink into my Spirit.

But as the hungry ghost got his fill of humble sandwiches, he eventually became satiated and backed the f off.

It was then that I realized that the real glow up in life does not come from from striving from a hungry place.

It comes from being content with that which God has ALREADY gifted us.

With this hungry ghost in the driver’s seat, I hadn’t stopped long enough to really inquire into the nourishment my Soul actually needed.

What was that?

It needed permission to be utterly ordinary.

It needed permission to be no thing.

It certainly didn’t need a million eyeballs who would be duped by the pain my smile hides.

It needed the nourishment that comes from having a deep and dear spiritual friend who simply stayed when the ugly in me came out.

It needed a spiritual friend who could show me that it is ok for two people to be separate beings.

It needed a friend to teach me the line between where I end and you begin”

It needed a friend who could teach me that LOVE is actually RESPECT.

It needed a friend who would stay and simply love me into a better, fuller, kinder, more down to earth version of myself as we strove TOGETHER towards that something more.

It needed a work environment that would be sensitive to my sensitivities and value the true gifts that I have to offer this world.

It needed me to say “God, this is GOOD ENOUGH!”

What I am realizing now is that sometimes our striving comes from deeply wounded places.

And that until you can allow that phoenix to just simply rise with nothing to do at all but be in perpetual flight, that hungry ghost will never be satisfied.

Now I’m finally learning the revolutionary power of simply being content.

And while I still have a ways to go to fulfilling my ultimate vision I’m going to relish in the contentment of being exactly where I am on this long road to humanity.

I mean why the hell should I rush. When it is perfectly fine and much more enjoyable to move slow, contented with every step.

I went through a period of life where I was striving like a hungry ghost to achieve some level of success & impact in the world that would finally give my ego the satisfaction that it yearned for.

In spite of completing a Tedx & self publishing my first book, which were quite a feat for someone that has long feared the power of her own voice, there was still this incessant push to do more.

I would look at women like Glennon Doyle and get upset. “That should be me,” I’d say to myself.

I’d latch on to her words “First the pain. Then the rising” like gospel.

Why wasn’t it like that for me?

There would be pain, and then I’d rise and then another pain, and then I’d rise and another pain and then I’d rise.

Why did it seem that others could have a personal transformation & then stand on a stage in a way that made the ground beneath their feet appear to be solid.

I felt like I was that serpent eating its own tail in a never ending cycle of birth and death.

“God, I’d scream. Are we there yet?”

And God would respond, “Where are you off to in such a rush?”

The hungry ghost in me was hell bent on fighting to be seen whereas God seemed pretty hell bent on keeping me hidden.

In retrospect, I’m happy for every hungry ghost dream that got blocked, because had the cloak of invisibility been removed back then I don’t think I could have handled it.

I had to face both my strengths & limitations head on.

I had to let that that serenity prayer that hangs in front of my bed to sink into my Spirit.

But as the hungry ghost got his fill of humble sandwiches, he eventually became satiated and backed the f off.

It was then that I realized that the real glow up in life does not come from from striving from a hungry place.

It comes from being content with that which  you have already been gifted with.

With this hungry ghost in the driver’s seat of my life, I hadn’t stopped long enough to really inquire into the nourishment my Soul actually needed.

What was that?

It needed permission to be utterly ordinary.

It needed permission to be no thing special at all.

It certainly didn’t need a million eyeballs who would be duped by the pain my smile hides.

It needed the nourishment that comes from having a deep and dear spiritual friend who simply stayed when the ugly in me came out.

It needed a spiritual friend who could show me that it is ok for two people to be separate beings.

It needed a spiritual friend to teach me the line between where I end and you begin”

It needed a spiritual friend who could teach me that LOVE is actually RESPECT.

It needed a friend who would stay and simply love me into a better, fuller, kinder, more down to earth version of myself as we strove TOGETHER towards that something more.

It needed a work environment that would be sensitive to my sensitivities and value the true gifts that I have to offer this world.

It needed me to say “God, this is GOOD ENOUGH!”

What I am realizing now is that striving often comes from deeply wounded places.

And that until you can allow that phoenix to just simply rise with nothing to do at all but be in perpetual flight merely enjoying the wonder of LIFE, that hungry ghost will never be satisfied.

I’m learning the revolutionary power of simply being content.

And while I still have a ways to go to fulfilling my ultimate vision I’m going to relish in the contentment of being exactly where I am on this long road to humanity.

I mean why the hell should I rush. When it is perfectly fine and much more enjoyable to move slow, contented with every step.