Sweet and lo,
crashing sounds,
the waves stroll out the pain.
I reach for you,
you are not there,
wait… now I feel the grief.

I look up and sigh and think:
What it means to die.
To not exist physically.
I question myself spiritually.

A random thought appears.

The first time I held you.
I loved you.
I needed you.
I felt you.

Only you knew what my heart sounded like from the inside, my sweet love.
Now my heart doesn’t beat like it use to.
There is a skip-
a miss…
YOU.

I will plunge myself into this sea,
I will speak and hear no more.
When they find me clenching this letter,
they will see that I could not take it anymore.

The quiet house.
I don’t want it.

The whispered voices when I come into a room.
I don’t need it.

The lonely teddy bear that sits at the table-
I refuse it.

Your dress was yellow,
your favorite color.
Remember, the day you saw a yellow butterfly
and fell trying to chase it?
I scooped you up and kissed your knee.

My sweetness.
My heart.
All gone.

I look back and think with much dismay how a little person could cause such splendid disarray.

I want it back.
I need it back.
I can’t breath with out it.

I feel the brisk air.
I come back to reality.
I jump in the cold unforgiving water.
I see darkness, now nothing.

Then I see you.
And you reach your hand out,
and we chase yellow butterflies.