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Every day I put my best foot forward, working so hard to share my love of fitness, yoga, art, and my journey of being an ordinary girl healing, growing, failing, and finding joy amongst the beautiful chaos.
Every day I am reminded by others and the world to be more, do more, and change. Every day, I am tested to love myself harder and know I am enough.
I work a few jobs. I have been working six to seven days a week for the last year to provide and care for my daughter. Every post, writing, photo, or video I create online is a piece of me I share in the hope it helps another, brings joy to another, or makes another feel less alone.
Every piece of art, fitness, yoga, or writing I create is also misappropriated or disrespected too. It is hard being misunderstood in life the judgment can be overwhelming. All I can do is show my journey and let others share theirs.
Every video that is two minutes long can take 30 or 60 minutes of editing on top of the creation process and planning. Every yoga pose photo and video I take is years of work to create one pose for a photo, not just a moment. Every word I share is a process of healing, of vulnerability, and much time to place it together, edit, and proofread over and over again. Although I am an author now, I still have immense difficulty writing, spelling, and placing words on paper.
Nobody sees one another’s stress points and worries.
Currently, I have to take a B1 test in German for a Visa in Switzerland, which is scaring me. I am self-taught in my German and although I have passed the A1 and A2, I feel I am not good enough to pass. Right now I am working on one of the biggest work projects of my life where the investment in all avenues is high and my heart will be sharing raw pieces of me too, so the vulnerability will be even more intense. But I know to become I must take a risk. I know it is worth it. It is scary when success rides on external validation too.
Right now, I miss my parents like crazy and my brother. All I want to do is to see them. COVID-19 is overwhelming me and missing my brother’s 40th and probably my mom’s 70th as well—not being able to celebrate is hard. I have not celebrated our birthdays together in years. With my parent’s age and health, I know time is precious too.
My heart also aches in angst for I do not want my daughter to experience the pain of this world. I do not want her to suffer in the way so many of us are and have. I wish I could fix it. I hope that by sharing my soul and journey and humanness that I help her world to be a bit brighter—so she knows that all we can do is show our journey and let others share theirs.
It is better to be judged for our truths than for something perfect that is not who we really are.
What I am learning now is when we remove our desires from specific circumstances, we can open our hearts and eyes to the possibilities again. When we cannot find what we desire in one place, we have to be open to look at another; and when we cannot find it there, we have to be open to creating it ourselves.
So many of us are blinded and limited today because we are taught that everything should come now or be exactly how we want it on our first try. However, the truth and reality of the matter are we can have what we desire but only when we really stick to it long enough to get to the other side. Whilst, we learn the lessons that need to be learned to be able to handle all that we want on the journey that needs to be taken, not the journey we think we should take—knowing that it isn’t the easiest or fastest route most of the time but remembering it is always worth it.
As author Brianna Wiest says:
“What is most important on our journeys is not what others say or think but what we decide we truly value and are we able to die trying for. The desires we value that we are willing and able to live every breath in the pursuit of possibilities of them. You see the things we truly desire are never ordinary, so we must go above and beyond into the extraordinary to find them. One of the most important questions we must ask every day is out of all the limiting beliefs that have us settling for far less than we want, need, and deserve, perhaps one of the most significant is this: do you believe that you can have what you really want?”