June 9, 2021

How my Darkest Days brought me back into the Present.


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I remember the darkness like watching the movie “Pleasantville but in reverse.

Where I once saw beautiful colors, I now saw black and white.

Later, it became all grey and, suddenly, I was wrapped in blackness.

No light, no sparkles, just a black hole of pain and longingness to not be here.

I felt completely lost in a world that was meant to be magical and filled with joy, but all I could see and feel was darkness, pain, and numbness.

Pain and numbness from rape, from the loss of my child, from the abuse that shattered my inner world and worlds of love into fear.

Everywhere I looked, nobody understood. Everywhere I went I felt like there was a wall that kept me out of experiencing the magic it held.

I also remember the day I felt again. I remember looking into the deep blue sky one day in October 2011 in an Austrian field in Autumn. I was trying to figure out why I felt some sort of heat on my skin.

Above me, in the big blue sky, I saw the big fireball called the sun, shining breathtakingly. I looked at my skin as it warmed under the sunrays. I looked at the trees as they danced in colors like they were on fire from the autumn changes—of letting go of all that is dead, to make way for hibernation to bloom into what is awaiting next spring.

I remembered, at that moment, what it was like to be here now. I remembered what it was like to feel everything in high-definition when I used my senses to taste, touch, hear, smell, and see.

And then I remembered:

Freedom lives within me, and it depends on me to use my experiences as my tools.

I looked at the world so bright, the birds singing with delight, and felt the sun warming my back.

Suddenly, an ordinary moment became extraordinary.

I finally remembered what it felt like to be connected.

To be excited for now—this moment.


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