First dates have a common misconception of being both scary and an avoid-at-all-cost activity.
What if I was to tell you that you don’t ever have to feel scared or deflated by a first date EVER again!? Stick with me here, this is not some ‘get confident quick’ scam that ends up guiding you into further dating misery.
In my dating life, (as opposed to my real life) I have been on COUNTLESS first dates and what I truly mean is INFINITE first dates! So it is fair to say I have a little (a TONNE of) experience in this area and over the years, I have gathered a few tricks of the trade to share with amazing women such as you who find the whole dating thing completely daunting!
Now, I am not here to hold your hand whilst you stammer and sweat through a first date … No Soiree. The purpose of you finding me here, is to give you kick arse tools so you can LEGIT ACE the first date.
No more feelings of anxiety, questioning if your outfit is appropriate, will the person you are meeting even like you, what should you order, what will you talk about, is my makeup too much!
No more excuses! The time is now to get out there and ACE the first date.
Over the years, I have made every single mistake in the ‘rules of dating’. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
I have slept with men on the first date, got bat shit blind drunk, forgotten to wax and shave, spoken about the ex, declared my broken heart and always woke up the next morning eagerly anticipating that text message to invite me on date number two.
Sweet Mumma Earth, I have asked this question over and over again: WTF is wrong with me?
Cue answer: NOTHING! I just needed a lesson or two in the etiquette of dating.
There finally came a time where I found myself so incredibly defeated by the dating scene that the only obvious thing before raising a herd of cats was to get deeply curious as to how my dating etiquette was impacting my ability to score date number 2. My girlfriends at the time (bless their golden hearts) were behaving in the same way I was and I couldn’t work out why we were so successful in our careers, but failing so abysmally in our dating lives.
So I sat down and got mighty uncomfortable with myself. I put a microscope to each first date I had been on (that I could remember) and looked deeply into the conversation, the guy, what was going on in the rest of my life at the time, my values etc etc etc.
Here is where I landed.
This is what I know for sure when it comes to acing the first date:
Get crystal clear on knowing what you want
Do you know what you want when it comes to dating … like REALLY know? I don’t just mean a tall dark and gorgeous type, I mean do you know how you want to feel, how you want to behave in the presence of your date, the type of venue that is going to support you in feeling good about yourself.
In the probability of dating, there is going to be a first date that turns into a long, lasting love. I would suggest getting familiar with how you want to feel in the presence of your lover and how you want to show up when you meet them.
Until you truly know what YOU want, you are going to continue facing and committing the same mistakes over and over again.
A tool that has worked well for me is creating a vision of the woman you want to be when you are on a first date.
- How does she feel
- How does she dress
- What is she drinking/eating
- How does she hold herself
- What are the shoes she is wearing
- How does she speak
I have been on a few (okay a LOAD) of first dates where I have felt like a baby giraffe learning to walk because of the heels that I was wearing, which made me self conscious so when I went to speak I had this awful stutter in some foreign accent that even I could barely understand and to cover up my embarressment I got completlelty pie-eyed blind drunk and took the guy home for some drunken rompy, limbs everywhere, awkward sex and wondered why I never saw him again …. Dont be me!
So creating the vision of how we want to show up on a date, is not as lame as it sounds. It gives us something to work towards and helps to set our boundaries of what we will and won’t get ourselves into when it comes to a first date.
Once you have a vision of the way you want to show up on a date – the sexy yet confident persona – bring her into your everyday life and play around with her.
Introduce this way of being to your closest friends and family, get to know yourself in this state so she is familiar to you. Dress like her, speak like her, drink what she drinks, eat what she eats.
This will help you IMMENSELY when you find yourself on a first date with someone who you are truly keen to get to know. You will naturally embody this vision of this woman and you won’t find yourself doing anything other than being the confident, flirtatious queen that you are! It will also ensure you know your boundaries and have you leaving the date feeling in control, dignified and not attached to any outcomes.
A note on ONS: my research and personal experiences with ONS suggests that women who are seeking a deeply, committed intimate relationship should steer clear of the ONS. However if you find yourself waking up the next morning and you are walking that walk, be kind to yourself. It is not the end of your dating life and you will laugh at the hilarity of it all one day – you may even learn something that you do (or DO NOT) want to explore more of in the bedroom when your true love comes along!
Your mindset creates your energetic vibration i.e. your magnetic attractiveness
When it comes to the success of a first date*, I have learned my energetic state of being is imperative to finding myself in a state of grace.
You know that feeling of anxiety that you associate with a first date?
- Tummy doing somersaults
- Hands are sweaty
- Mind is racing
If we flipped this state of anxiety and guided it to its counterpart in excitement, we immediately change our visceral reaction to the date. This isn’t as complex as you may think.
By engaging with practices in the lead up to your first date, that are going to align you to the vision you created when you worked out what you truly want, you are going to change your energetic vibration. Your heart and mind will naturally be more open to receiving and ultimately be more attractive and magnetic to the love/r you truly desire.
The practices can be as simple as you like. I have learned that getting curious about what I feel and why, is a super tool when it comes to first dates.
If I find I am feeling anxious, I will affirm that the anxiety is in fact excitement. If I feel afraid I will affirm that the fear is because I got myself out of my comfort zone to be meeting with another like minded person. If I am feeling vulnerable in the days after, I will affirm that my life is full of amazing people and is not defined by the actions of another single person (I will then make sure I go and find those amazing people and hang out with them, to ensure I am not attaching to any outcomes but also to enjoy the company of those I already love!)
Affirmations are a simple way to effectively switch your mindset and your energetic vibration so you can thrive on date 1. You can do this in the car on the way to the date, in the bathroom during the date and even the days following if you are feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed or attached to any outcomes.
To become magnetically attractive, and thrive on your first date, checking in with your mindset is imperative.
*A successful first date is one where you feel mighty fine. The flirtatious, gorgeous being in you comes to life, you strut your stuff and the person you are dating is totally vibe-ing there with you. You walk away with no attachment to the outcome because you know you have a crown firmly on your head and a heart filled with delicious self love.
For the love of yourself
I bang on about self love every chance I get because it was a hard lesson to learn but I have learned it is the foundation of thriving not only in life but especially when it comes to dating and relationships.
To thrive in dating, you MUST first have a foundation of self love. ← Read it again
Granted, it is a simple sentence for a complex state of being.
When it comes to thriving on your first date, before you even say yes to that date you need to know deep within your heart that you are worthy and loveable and you absolutely deserve to experience the deep, committed intimate love you truly desire.
There are an array of tools available on how to cultivate self love. When I first started doing this work, I started by finding things about myself that I really liked. My ability to actively listen and feel into a situation from another’s person’s perspective for example, was something that I really liked about myself so I explored it further and it ultimately sent me on the path to coaching. I found other things I liked about myself eventually leading me to rituals such as self massage and mirror work to really fill my heart with bursting love for me!
Once you find some things you like about yourself, you will start to fill your heart with your own love, and once you have this, no person can ever take that from you which ultimately means, you will ALWAYS have a heart filled with love. Your self worth will grow exponentially and your attachment to a date outcome will cease to exist so even if a guy fails to ask you out again, it won’t bother you because your heart is so FULL of your own cultivated delicious love!!
Get out there and just do it
The only way you are going to thrive on a first date, is to get out there and make it happen! It doesn’t matter if you go on 50 dates for the next year, you will always be one date further from imprinting your butt on the couch cushion! And honestly, if you put in the work it won’t take 50 first dates to attract your lover.
The saying goes, practice makes perfect, and in dating there is no exception. The only way you are going to thrive on date one, is by getting out there and putting your confident, sexy, flirty butt on the line.
You may meet the person of your dreams on your next first date, or it may take a few goes to get there. Whatever your situation you can ditch the dating dread right now. Bring some fun and glamour into your dating life, straighten your crown and get out there to legit thrive on date one.
You legit got this my girl.
PS: You may be surprised how the caliber of people you attract begins to change over time as you cultivate more of that delicious self love.
Felicity is a dating and relationship coach who supports women who struggle with the complexities of dating and relationships so they can experience a deeply committed intimate love. You can find more about her personal experiences with love and how she can support you through navigating dating and your relationship over at felicitycasey.com