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July 1, 2021

“Pigging Out Over Evil?” discusses how to live beyond abuse’s ugliness.

At a Dollar Store, I recently picked up these three jade pigs. Looking at them, they portray the classic sentiment, “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”

A tall, virtually impossible, order? Living in the corrupt world of this modern age?

And, how much more so, when we have been subjected to abuse?

“See no evil…”

If only we could shut our eyes tightly and have everything bad and scary go away, huh?

Think about your first memories. What did you see?

For those of us abuse survivors, it’s probably some expression of violence and fear.

A father and husband beating his wife with his fist… a cowering child, just trying to stay invisible and safe… a black eye, a busted lip, a broken arm in a cast or sling… tears streaming down someone’s face…

Just a few examples.

Unfortunately, the scary, violent images we first absorb in life can be as unique as snowflakes.

Seeing IS Believing: See it and believe it!

Cognitive dissonance often applies to the abusive and traumatic things we have seen in our lives. We experience cognitive dissonance, as we struggle to accept that two different witnessed situations are existing side by side and competing for dominance in our way of thinking. For example, our abuser, who just hit us, tells us we weren’t hit and that he/she loves us. Our brains cannot easily handle that. The popular expression, “What has been seen, cannot be unseen” has made us unhinged.

We cannot “see no evil.” Too late. It’s already happened.

We must stop minimizing the atrocities that we saw. We need to admit it was awful, painful, scary, unjust, something that we should never have seen. We need to do this, even within the potential context/pressure of the forgiveness argument. That’s all well and good, ideal, in theory, but in truthfully acknowledging ugly reality, it is the pressing priority for us. Forgiveness may well come later, but it can often be weaponized against us as we try to recover.

We’d do well to not let no one talk us out of just how horrific the evil displays of abuse, violence, and trauma were. We did experience some evil. And it wasn’t our choice.

Now we need to see healing for ourselves. That’s the vision, and it doesn’t come by sugarcoating our experiences. We need to call the horrific abuse ugly and stand by our declaration. Its ugliness doesn’t mean we are ugly.

“…Hear no evil…”

Scripture tells us, “Faith comes by hearing” (Romans 10:17).

And, for those of us survivors of abuse and trauma, we can arrive at a type of “bad faith.” We believe the harmful, deceitful, slanderous, gossip-fueled, and untrue words and messages, such as, but not limited to…

“You’re stupid!”

“You’ll never amount to anything!”

“You’re a (insert any expletive here)!”

Hear-say.”

What kind of painful life choices have you and I made because we believed what we heard- about ourselves and life, itself?

Perhaps, as children, and/or as targets of abuse, at the mercy of circumstances, we believed the worst messages, the most dishonest and inaccurate messages, about ourselves. These messages can, unfortunately, become self-fulfilling prophecies, left unchecked.

So, do we check them?

Can we be brave and pick apart those words, and dissect their intent? Before we’re tempted to answer, “no,” let’s remember just how brave and strong we needed to be to survive those adverse circumstances.

Therefore, let’s dare to ask some questions, like…

Who said this to me?

What unhealthy behaviors, addictions, and dynamics were present when these words were spoken?

What benefit and/or ulterior motive could this person have had for saying these things?

(In example, a parent was jealous of our talents, and due to their insecurity, was more interested in feeling better about themselves, rather than nurturing our development and talents).

These questions, along with their answers, left unexplored and unaddressed, can create the perfect breeding ground for the second damaging component and effect of “Hear-say.”

“…Speak No Evil.”

“Hear-say.”

Think about that word for a minute.

There is a connection between what we hear and what we say. If we’re not careful, we can full-on perpetuate the things we have heard, making them words of creation. By parroting something like, “You’re stupid,” about ourselves, we can then translate the outside party’s voice into our voice. Our psyches, hearing those damaging, hurtful words, in our own voices, can, therefore, believe those very words as gospel. The harm, then, gets further perpetuated, maybe even affecting others, like children.

We pass the damage down to another generation.

Un-Golden Silence:

Conversely, we can also go to the other extreme: silence. And this silence can be even more deafening than the spoken harmful word.

We can silently agree with the harmful word said to us. We give a silent assent to the damaging “hear-say.” We internalize and corrode as we do not find or use our voices.

“The loss of self coincides with a loss of voice… Voice is an indicator of self.”

Dana Crowley Jack, “Silencing of the Self”

Giving Voice:

We need to hear ourselves. Our own voices are powerful sources of authority. We believe what we say. Why else have affirmations been so big with therapy and self-esteem work?

Perhaps, we’re scared about “not doing it right.” Maybe that is why we clam up.

But it’s not about perfection. We just need to start. Right where we are.

There is power in that.

“I am valuable.”

“I am smart.”

“I am loveable.”

“I am a person of unique purpose.”

“I am enough.”

Speak these things. Speak these things to combat the evil… with the truth. This is the truth of who we really are.

Evil: Now What?

“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”

It’s not that simple. For so many of us, various damage has already been done. We saw it. We heard it. We spoke it.

The past is in the past, yes; we can’t change it.

However, we can acknowledge and admit, if, to no one else, then, at least, to ourselves, that yes, it all was real. For so many of us, that, alone, is a major recovery step. Admission of ugly truth is a major stride towards healing.

For, with that admission, we can actively, thoughtfully, decide what that means to and for us. We choose from a countless array of options, how to live with that truth. We can exercise power. We do not need to simply “pig out over evil.” We can choose our lives, in their beautiful and honest entirety.

There’s more to us than the ugliness we have been through.

Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse

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