August 12, 2021

It’s Time to Know, I Forgive You.

I saw you today. I looked deep into your eyes and saw so many emotions flicker in them in the briefest moment.

I would be lying if I said I was unaffected by all that’s happened in the past few years, because the truth is some days, the memories flood and wash over me—saturating me in the past.

Some days, I feel so accomplished, so fulfilled, so whole—with nothing but the right here and right now presence. And other days, I have to admit to myself I feel like there are cracks in my armour, skipped beats in my heart, bruises on my soul.

So today as I stare into those eyes, those deep, expressive eyes that hold so many stories. So many chapters of the book you are yet to finish, I decide to say all that needs to be said, out loud. Everything that’s buried in the dark crevices within that have thus far been too damn hard to express.

These are the words that need to be said for further healing. Because for these words to be spoken and heard clearly with both ears, it is another hurdle on the path, nudging closer to a destination.

You have done things you are not proud of.

You have carried an element of shame that had you sitting in a despairing pit of darkness because to shine a light on your mistakes was something you were not ready to do. Was something you were terrified to do. But you’ve turned that light on now. You’ve sat in that shameful pain and you’ve owned your part in it. You don’t need to carry that shame with you anymore. You are not the sum of your mistakes. You are not the sum of anyone else’s mistakes.

With shame came that heaviness of guilt. Smothering every part of you.

I could see it. The weight carried squarely and uncomfortably on your shoulders. The guilt of hurting others—the guilt of hurting yourself. That guilt slowly rotting within, slowly eating you alive. But you have fallen on your sword, hell you’ve thrown yourself onto the sharpness of those blades and spoken your truth. It was f*cking hard and the truth was not always easy to voice, but by being brutally honest, it has enabled you to release that burden.

Then you were hit with an overwhelming grief.

A loss—a loss of love, a loss of a soul connection, a loss of belief in yourself, a loss of what you stand for. A loss so profound that the grief left you struggling to breathe. Left you wondering if waking up the next morning was something you actually wanted. Left you questioning everything you believed, where you had been, and where you were going. It was a battering you never expected. Facing your darkness would test every part of you. It would crack your soul open and you knew from that point on, you would never be the same.

Your eyes fill with tears because the pain of carrying this shame, guilt, and grief was burying you. It was slowly creeping into every part of your being. The fear of the truth kept you hiding and hiding kept you from healing. Without healing you couldn’t grow.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to hold space for yourself and feel what needs to be felt. It’s okay to still hold love for a person who loved you but had to leave, even if that love, upon reflection, was wrapped in shame, guilt, and pain because sometimes that’s our lesson. And sometimes lessons are blessings. Either way they propel us forward, if we learn from them.

It’s time now.

It’s time to know, I forgive you. I forgive you for loving a person who wasn’t ready for your love. There was still beauty in that.

I forgive you for not establishing the necessary boundaries you needed, resulting in the shame of becoming a doormat. Acting in a way that did not reflect your values and in-turn hurting other people. Protecting another’s secret at the detriment of yourself. Living in the shadows is no way to live an authentic life.

I forgive you for not knowing then what you do now. For not having the strength to do the right thing because you were so blinded by love. So overwhelmed by passion and so many incredible feelings. So invested in another’s words, another’s promises that you completely lost sight of who you were.

I forgive you because you’ve earnt forgiveness. You’ve stood there metaphorically naked and stripped yourself bare to those needing to hear the truth, even when that truth was painful and hurtful to yourself and others. Even when that truth could have seen people walk away, you spoke it.

You spoke it because you knew that keeping it buried would wound you. It would stunt your growth and you would be living a lie. An omittance is still a lie. You spoke it because everyone deserves the truth. You spoke it because honesty and trust are important to you.

You’ve worked so bloody hard on yourself and it’s been one hell of a journey. An awakening of sorts. A messy and raw awakening full of discovery.

Such a difficult period of growth, yet so very rewarding.

I stop speaking. Those eyes stare back at me. A single tear rolling down the left cheek. Blue pools a little weary from the past few years of heartache, confusion, and despair. Yet there’s also relief, courage, and hope.

I whisper you are worthy of love. You are worthy of forgiveness. You are worthy.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and see a mess of a human, with all your faults and mistakes. But you don’t see the lives you’ve touched, the people you’ve saved. You don’t see all the love you’ve given so freely, or the extraordinary memories you’ve made. You are a book of beautiful moments and memories. Regardless of your mistakes.

I turn and walk away from the mirror.

~

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