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August 21, 2021

When to Walk the F*ck Away. 

Hearted by and 2 other readers

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The sun begins to rise as I walk along the beach picking up seashells that washed in from the ocean overnight.

I intake the ocean air like it’s my very first breath. This place gives me life.

Most days I’m struggling to catch my breath. I’m consumed by deadlines, motherly duties, and bills. It all feels so overwhelming on most days.

But it’s these moments at the beach by myself when I feel alive. This is the moment when I decide enough is enough.

My story begins years prior when I fell in love. I was that girl who was happy as a single woman living in the city. I was good on my own, but my heart was wide the hell open.

Someone came along when I wasn’t paying attention and took up space inside my delicate heart.

I fell hard and I fell fast.

I was happy. I was in love. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but in that moment. I put everything I had into this life I was living. This happy life I was living. This love I was living.

But as the years moved along, things changed. Nothing was the same. We became two different people living in the same space. We didn’t even know each other.

I felt alone and scared. I was sad and depressed. I fought to keep us alive. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. But nothing worked. We weren’t the same people who fell in love.

But we were obligated to the life we created together.

So I stayed, even though I should have walked away. I bargained with myself that I needed to stay for my future. It’s a future of feeling alone but it’s secure and safe.

Everyone needs security and safety, right?

I held on even though I should have let go. I convinced myself that there was no one else out there for me. That I’d be alone forever so I might as well stay alone together than alone on my own. I was scared to be alone on my own.

There were no fights. There were no arguments. We were pleasant toward each other. We played the part to the world so they wouldn’t know. But I’d go to sleep each night with tears in my eyes. I lived each day with a gut-wrenching pain inside. This isn’t living life. This is surviving a life.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years. My life was passing me by and I had nothing to show for it. Holidays were hollow. Birthdays were numb. Vacations were separate. I felt dead inside. There was nothing to save us.

I had enough.

As I stood on the beach alone, I took a breath and gave myself a new life. I walked the f*ck away.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I didn’t want to go. The love was still in my heart, but the pain outweighed the love pulsing through my soul. I was hurt beyond repair.

I deserve someone to hold me when I am scared.

I deserve someone who treats me with respect and kindness.

I deserve someone who celebrates my accomplishments.

I deserve someone to stand by my side on the good and bad days.

I deserve someone to laugh and be silly with me.

I deserve someone to be open and honest.

I deserve to feel loved, cherished, and protected.

Anyone can walk away from anything in their lives that doesn’t make them happy.

But how do we know when to walk away? When do we walk away?

We walk away when we’ve had enough. And can decide at any point in our lives that we had enough.

Enough of a sh*tty job. Enough of a bad relationship. Enough of whatever it is that we have had enough of. Enough is enough. That is the only reason we need to walk the f*ck away.

We don’t need excuses. We don’t need anyone to understand. When we’ve had enough, it’s our time to go.

It is never too late to start over. We can start over and over and over again as many times as we want or need to. It’s our life. It’s ours to make it however we see fit.

Let’s intake the air around us like it’s our very first breath. It will give us a new life.

I hope we all live a life we are proud of. A life that makes us happy. A life filled with joy and laughter. A life without regrets. A life with connection and communication. A life with love.

We have to feel alive every goddamn minute of it. It will be over before we know it.

Don’t just survive a life; live life, every minute of it. And walk away from anything that doesn’t make you feel alive.

 

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