The waiting is the hardest part.

This last one, this fight, brought on by my anxiety again, bringing up your friendship with your ex-lover, still co-worker, was pretty monstrous. I was screaming to be heard, unsure if you were hearing me over my gasps for air trying to get every word out. How much I have been hurting inside because the parallel between you and my past in a similar situation are uncanny. Both of you asking me to trust, assuring me nothing is going on… but him, he was cheating all along. You, I know you would not hurt or betray me like that.

So I wait. But my body, my internal deep, gushing wounds, it doesn’t understand this. Feels only what has happened before, senses the threat and puts me on high alert. I am programmed this way, trying so hard to untangle those wires that keep me in a constant state of fight or flight. Yes, you have similar wounds as me, so maybe you can understand.. I don’t know, but just because you tell me to trust you, and I do, my body doesn’t agree. It’s not ready to accept that things might be really different this time.

So I wait. Wait to feel that normalcy again between you and I. After a week I still don’t feel it. I am scared and trying just hard enough without being fully exposed to let you know how much I love you. Maybe you have moved past it, you never look back, only ahead. So you choosing to let it go, is your way of forgiving me for another outburst over her. You don’t need to keep talking about it, nor do you want me too; let’s move forward you might be thinking? I don’t know. I am just waiting to feel your loving energy again… there is such an electricity between us, snaps & flashes of light. Our love is that deep and pure, but my past hurts never truly let me experience the simplicity of your love. My mind thinks there is always a catch.

So I wait. Wait for your hand to grab mine, wait for you to put your arm around me when we sit next to each other. I just wait, wait to feel that spark, that bolt. It’s a magnetic reaction. I just wait till you find your balance with me again. You are waiting to see if I have another outburst over her because you are unsure of how many more times you can tell me there is nothing to worry about. The waiting is the hardest part, but still, I just wait.