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November 17, 2021

A Letter to my Little Angel: Why I am Not a Mother Yet.

 

Dearest you,

Why is it that I have not brought you into this world yet?

The short answer is I didn’t want to f*ck you up.

The longer answer is that you are one of my deepest dreams I am awaiting in this human experience: being a mother to your soul.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had the ability to take care of others in a profound way.

And, through my adolescent and young adult years, I did exactly that for everyone in my life.

When your great grandmother was declining, I was by her side, helping her walk. When your grandfather was dying, I made sure to be there to unlock his human body for his soul to be released.

When your grandmother was unwell, I was there to be a steady mirror of strength. When my clients felt unheard, I was always there to listen and be a reminder. When my partners were falling, I made sure to be there to catch them and love them back to this life.

When my friends were mentally suffering, I was there to help give a shift of perspective.

When strangers were having a rough time with this human experience, I’d be right there to hold their hands and tell them they were not alone.

Meanwhile, your mother, who felt beyond alone and could barely function, eventually broke.

I broke into so many pieces because I was loving, giving, and parenting so many souls my entire life that the one person who was not being loved properly or given to or parented was your mother.

I constantly dehumanized myself. Why? Because I learned this by witnessing the people around me growing up, I was programmed and taught to come last.

I was shown and told that self-love was selfish.

I was shown that giving until you have nothing left was normal.

I was taught that my feelings, emotions, and thoughts didn’t deserve to be heard or considered.

Most of my life, I spent dissociating from my human experience because I was not being validated as a human having this experience.

Most of my life, I spent disconnected from my inner child because I had to grow up so fast.

And, as life went on, I started to witness the people around me, the ones who had taught me all of this, your ancestors, wither away.

So I decided to shift my life radically for us. I started to validate the soul who was having this experience. I started reparenting myself and reprogramming all of it. I realized so profoundly after my near-death experience that I was truly the creator of my reality.

I started taking radical responsibility for everything.

Even if it was challenging for me to understand in that moment, I did the deeper work around it and realized the part I played within it all.

I started to slow down and listen to my inner child and what she needed.

I started to allow little Cass to play, live, dance, feel, express, wander, get lost, explore—to be free.

I took steps.

I wanted to make sure that in no way along my journey did I dehumanize myself any longer. Why? Because of the mirror effect, which states, “We are all a mirror. We are either seeing reflections of a repeated cycle or a guide toward a new start. In every moment, we have a conscious choice to be that mirror for another.”

I realized that if I were to continue, I would dehumanize the one in front of me, including you.

I found that if I held deep compassion, empathy, grace, permission, and infinite unconditional love for myself, I would allow that opportunity for all I eventually encountered, including you.

I took more steps.

Within those steps, I uncovered that I not only created some of the deepest, most profoundly f*cked up programming in my own doing but that I was also consciously choosing to heal generations of hidden trauma and wounding for our family.

Now, why would I choose to do this?

So I could learn exactly how to reprogram all areas of self radically; mind, body, spirit, and heart.

So I could learn how to reconnect all those parts and become the ultimate soul.

What has gotten me through this journey is the thought of being able to exhibit to our family, friends, this world, and eventually you, what real unconditional source love looks like, feels like, and acts like.

To be a mother is indeed a privilege.

And, to be a perfect mirror of a soul based in source love, to me, is the ultimate privilege in this human experience.

I know I will be the most enchanted mother to you.

I have intuitively known this my entire life.

But, to be that for you, I had to learn how to not dissociate from this human experience. I had to learn how to be here now. No matter what, healthily. And, I wanted to understand my life from a deep level of god consciousness.

I am radically aware that I am indeed the creator of my life now. And, I always profoundly knew there was a reason I waited to be your mother.

It was because, when I get the chance to look into your eyes, I want you to see the love from living in the fairytale of this now moment.

I don’t want you to see the fear reflected from my past trauma and suffering.

I wanted to make sure you felt safe to come into this human experience as your authentic self.

I wanted you to know that you are the light within the body and know more than anything that you are not alone in that knowing.

I wanted to make sure that you knew that no matter what, I am right here with you in pure presence while co-creating this fairytale.

I want you to know that when the day comes where I am asked to leave this experience in human form, I will still walk beside you as a light on your path.

You, my little angel, will be my everything.

I hope that by choosing to do this level of inner work, I have saved you the time and effort of having to reprogram half of your life.

I want you to know that I chose this path for you.

I wanted to give you the ultimate gift: a perfect mirror that could remind you from the beginning of your story that you are—love.

And know that is and will always be enough.

I can only imagine the way you will change this world with a knowing like this.

So, this is my letter to you, little angel. When I do look you in the eyes, I know that is where my happily ever after truly begins.

I am here for you now.

I will love you forever and always, your mother, Cass.

~

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