Anxiety. You are not an enemy, but rather a dear friend.
You come when you feel I’m in danger. You know I’ve felt pain in my past and so you do your best to warn me before I may feel that pain again. I understand your need to protect and come to my rescue. I recall you first appearing in my childhood, when I felt most vulnerable, when I just wanted to love and be loved.
Things occurred over time for me to feel deeply rejected and abandoned. I came to the conclusion that I was unworthy, and that belief stuck. I began to seek the need to know. I craved certainty. I would explore intimacy with others, and you would appear to warn me that they would leave like many others had, so I began leaving them before they had the chance to. You convinced me to believe the worst of a situation so I would avoid the shock of the potential disappointment, and I listened. I ran when I would begin to feel vulnerable. I felt safe in the self-sabotage. You made me feel safe.
I’m ready to let you go. I don’t hate you, nor am I upset with you. I just can’t accept you around me anymore. I deserve to love without living in fear of “what if?”
To live freely without feeling like I need to be attached to the outcome. To feel like I need to know exactly what will happen and to desire to maintain control all the time. I see a repeated pattern. This is no longer my reality. I needed you when I was a child—when I felt defenseless you defended me the best way you could.
I understand your fear. You were just trying to take care of me—you still are. I don’t expect you to disappear forever. I know you will visit me from time to time to check in and I welcome you with love and understanding; however, you cannot stay.
Your role in my life has changed. You are no longer visiting to warn me, but rather to remind me how far I’ve come and who I am. If I listen to you, I devalue myself. We are no longer in alignment because I don’t desire to respond from fear like you do.
I want to dive into the unknown and embrace all its colours. I am ready to receive love. I will no longer make assumptions. I will ask questions. I know what I need, and I deserve to receive what I need. If someone leaves, it’s not because of me. My worth does not correlate with someone else’s actions. Rather than trying to prove my worthiness to others, I must first assess if others are worthy of me because my heart and energy are precious. I know how much I have to give.
So, thank you for the support up until now—even if you’ve been overprotective at times, I understand your intentions. I’m sure we’ll see each other soon; I’ll just be a different version.