March 1, 2022

Beyond Words: the Heartache of Trauma Bonds.


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In the darkness of night, connected by Wi-Fi and hope, he asked her, ” Why do you like me?”

Her response was: “You feel like home.”

She didn’t know it at the time that the feeling of “home” was familiarity.

We all come into the world the same—a blank slate, fresh and full of promise. Unfortunately, many of us experience early trauma in terms of attachment issues with our early caregivers, and this imprints and serves as a blueprint for future relationships throughout our entire lives.

We can seek therapy and change; this is indeed possible. However, it is possible too that people do the work and still have the residue and triggering going off when in relationships.

Those who have this early attachment trauma often experience trauma bonding with the parental figure. Individuals with these trauma bonds can go on to bond with others who have the same wounds, and this is when the real magic happens.

A series of repetitive events happen, and it is explosive.

There is a cycle of fawning, closeness, then arguments followed by running, and then the whole cycle repeats. Like I say, it is magic of a different sort.

The truth is that this pattern is hard to break, particularly with another who has the same issue. This is in essence what draws such individuals together, perhaps, unconsciously.

We are often drawn to what and who “feels like home,” and when home and early patterning were that of dysfunction, home is not where the heart is. It is something entirely different.

I think is important to have self-awareness and insight regarding attachment trauma, your own wounding, and relationship patterns.

Those who struggle with rejection and acceptance, and have fear of abandonment will look for this to be healed in their romantic lives. Romantic ties can be the catalyst to further pain and destructive behaviors if we are not careful.

If any of this resonates and you are looking for a life partner, it is okay to take time and be aware of what comes up. Perhaps, the familiar isn’t what one needs. Perhaps, it is calm and peace and what many would consider “boring.”

Love doesn’t have to be fireworks, steam engines, and roaring, cascading fires.

Relationships can be peaceful, gentle waters that are consistent and encouraging without the waves and storms.

Peaceful, healthy relationships are possible, and the best place to start is with ourselves. Wherever we are on our journey, it is not too late to heal, grow, and have a healthy, sustainable partnership.

Together we can write a new story.


As light pierces the night, he again speaks and her breath quickens.

“Where have you been all my life?”

She takes a deep breath, and although her heart pounds and he feels like the rising light, she says, “This evening was lovely. Hope you have a great day.”

There would be no fireworks or homecoming, for she realizes what she needs. She is aware of the butterflies and the heart pounding and that it isn’t love or attraction.

It is the trauma bonds beating that drum.

Today, she plays her own song and walks her own path, and for this, she can do no wrong.



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