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March 7, 2022

The Scent OF A Man Is Everything

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.

” You can not and should not be getting emotionally invested in a man that you can not smell”.

My friend’s words hit me like a dagger.

These words send my mind on a journey back to a holiday retreat to the west coast with my baby sister. We were signed up for daily yoga sessions. I was wired and reeling from stress and solo parenting. The male instructor stood close with perspiration dripping and I inhaled deeply immediately experiencing a sense of calm. I did not find him physically attractive and yet the scent of him was the greatest thing I had smelled for a decade. Coming out of the memory I realize that I was searching for positive experiences to back up this very statement.

” Renee” said my friend while shaking her head. “Did you hear me?”

I nodded embarrassed.

“I know and I agree” I responded.

She looked relieved. I was already feeling shame for what I considered recent transgressions.

I seem to gravitate to difficult things and people. The situations that are doomed from the very start.

This lunch date was off to a start and I settled in for an education on pheromones, compatibility and the practicality of physical distance.

” Get your head out of clouds”.

This one hurt as I am a frequent flyer and the clouds they are a second home.

” I am trying”I stammer.

” Don’t try just do it and get grounded”.

”I have been hearing this a lot”,I offer with a weak smile.

I had been hearing the same sentiments on repeat for awhile. Family told me that if I do not like where I am at to get to that destination and the rest will fall into place.  Men might actually be a distraction to what I really want and desire I am told.

To be honest this hit hard and resonated.

The book I am so desperately trying to write is bringing up some painful stuff that I find hard to deal with and feel and yet I still feel compelled to write.

The men I have loved I have loved deeply and the scent still lingers in that part of my brain. Some would say that this is impossible- I beg to differ. Perhaps these memories are the most painful.

The scent of a lover is an intriguing thing. It can come back with a dream or a daily event that brings it all back.

The smell of pine and the smoky scent of fire. These are the scents that haunt. The sweat and sweetness mix leave me feeling heady.

Again my friend says ” Renee” I shake my head to shake off the the memories.

” I agree the scent of a man is everything” I offer and she nods and sips her coffee.

I have been caught between worlds and now I will return to the world in which I am living.

This includes breathing deeply.

I might not be ready for the scent of a man in the real world and if this is the case I need to acknowledge.

This my friends is the power of acceptance and the power of now.

I come back to my body, my breath and I am ok.

In this moment I am ok and I will continue to write my story.

We are all stories afterall.

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