When people have been cheated on, they’re often left asking: why? How could someone they loved and trusted betray them in such a hurtful manner? People not only feel angry and upset but they are also left in utter disbelief. But why do people cheat? People cheat for a number of reasons though a few repeatedly crop up in the counseling room. If you are trying to widen your perspective on what does infidelity mean, you may find the following reasons useful.

• Feeling disconnected

One of the reasons a partner cheats on another is when he or she feels the two have drifted apart. Cheating allows one to feel as though something new and exciting has been found. This sense of disconnection emerges when there is a lack of proper communication between two people who are in a relationship. Another reason is life feeling too mundane with a lack of romance and an increase in responsibilities. Excessive work or looking after children can make life seem more functional and less loving.

• Feeling unloved

In counseling, there is a term one hears often: love languages. Love language describes the way in which people express their affection towards one another. Some couples communicate verbally by saying nice things to each other while some may like to express their affection physically through touch. It is possible for a person to feel unloved if his or her love language is different from the partner’s. This compels the person to open up to the affections of someone else outside the relationship.

• Lacking balance

A lack of balance in any romantic relationship can leave one partner feeling like a parent and the other like a child. For instance, one of the partners could feel like the one that’s more responsible – managing finances, making decisions, organizing the home, and so on whereas the other refuses to pull any weight. An affair might then be a way for the responsible partner to feel as though he or she is in a relationship of equals and therefore more appreciated.

• Fearing commitment

Sometimes affairs take place when others think that two people must be most secure in their relationship – like after they’ve gotten engaged or when they’re expecting. That is because worrying over commitment can feel rather destabilizing. Sometimes people can sabotage everything they have in an attempt to reject responsibilities.

• Facing self-esteem issues

Affairs can also be a result of personal insecurities. Low self-esteem makes people extremely dependent on the attention of others, which is why attention from one person alone may not feel enough. People can also cheat on their partners when they fear they will be rejected if they don’t reject their partners first. So they rush in to have an affair in an attempt to break away from their existing relationship.

• Having sexually addictive behavior

Affairs are common among people who have sexually addictive behavior. That means some people develop a habit of engaging in sexual activity as a way to satisfy their innate desires and relieve negative feelings that they can’t control. This urge can be compulsive in the same way that alcohol and drugs can be. So people with sexually addictive behavior will find themselves cheating on their partners frequently or in multiple relationships at the same time.

What To Do When a Partner Cheats

As hard as it might be to believe, an affair doesn’t always lead to the end of a relationship. If the person who cheated, genuinely regrets what happened, is ready to end the affair and both partners are willing to put the work into finding their way back together, there’s no reason why a relationship can’t be saved. Of course, some couples mutually decide that their relationship has run its course and they agree to part ways before things take an even uglier turn.

Either way, examining the issue together is a couple’s best chance at making sense of things. The person who has cheated must take responsibility for his or her conduct and not make excuses, the person who has been cheated on must be able to forgive no matter how difficult it feels and both partners will need to acknowledge what was wrong with the relationship, to begin with.

It’s equally important to seek help when necessary. Couples in troubled relationships or marriages must remember that a good counselor offers the right kind of environment to talk about an affair. For starters, it is confidential and safe. The counselor will maintain a neutral stance and not take sides. Counselors will just listen and allow clients to make sense of what made their relationship vulnerable to an affair so both partners can fully explore the cause and impact of the damage.