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January 24, 2023

What are better ways of responding when someone has “done us wrong?”

Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.

How many of us are guilty of entertaining revenge fantasies against anyone who has “done us wrong?”

We want to get them back. We want to prove a point. We want to inflict at least a little bit of the pain and dysfunction they have caused us.

It’s human. It doesn’t need to be a great human display of thoughts, feelings, and potential behavior.

But it is there, nonetheless.

That’s why this concept is a challenge to the low-hanging fruit of tempting, yet unrealistic, payback.

“Never revenge. Let them realize.”

Hmm. Let them realize. What does that mean?

Not surprisingly, it’s a complicated answer. But here are, perhaps, some answers/tools which can aid us in achieving some semblance of closure and satisfaction. It’s a reframe. It’s challenging notions of true success and justice.


Be peaceful.

Part of the pain we have endured from someone “who has done us wrong” involves the upset and chaos that has been introduced into our lives. Sometimes it has been betrayal. Sometimes, it has been loss. Sometimes, it has been our exploitation for their purposes. these are some of the disruptive examples which impact our lives, creating pain, trauma, hardship, and recovery.

Therefore, therapy is often a start as we try to access what happened and derive peace from it.

Be peaceful.

It sounds like an impossible task, doesn’t it?

Just how are we supposed to be peaceful when something so painful and disruptive has altered our lives?

Therapy can aid us in refocusing our attention onto us. It’s not just about what happened. It’s about how we’re responding to it. We have the right to prioritize ourselves in the midst of the upsetting situation we have experienced. It is out of our hands what “they” will do. They may never do anything to change their ways for the better. “They” may always be the disordered, dysfunctional, abusive, and chaotic person who has harmed us. That’s on them. They may or may not be peaceful and content with that.

But we have the choice and the opportunity to decide for ourselves what our next move will be. How will we interact with the concept of peace for ourselves? Peace can involve acceptance of what happened. That’s different from it being right or fair. Acceptance of what is, however, can often be a first step to achieve a firm footing.

Our abuser/enemy/ person “who did us wrong” may delight in us being unstable, unhinged, and emotionally at their mercy. When we can start rebuilding our personal peace, we can begin to take our power back.

And true revenge comes as we recognize this for ourselves.

They may not “realize” our change, as the advice concerning revenge states.

But it matters little, within the scope of our realization.

It is, indeed, our peace that matters most. It is our victory.

Let Them Realize.

Be Quiet.

When we often deal with a toxic person, someone who has “done us wrong,” there can be the temptation to really let them have it. Give them an earful. Rage at them.

These options, at first glance, can feel powerful and strong. A lot of us have felt powerless and voiceless. So, why wouldn’t we want to speak up for ourselves, and yell, if necessary?

Those louder behavior options, however, can have the opposite impact. Instead of reaching the person and getting them to see the error of their ways, our upset only fuels their fiery egos. They love how they can get to us. It makes them feel all-powerful, while disempowering us, as we exhaust ourselves with our earnest attempts to stand up for ourselves.

Therefore, quieter techniques may be in order. These techniques work to take some of the emotional charge out of the air. We stop feeding the dysfunctional, abusive person who wants to exploit, have power over us, and exploit us.

So, be quiet.

Be non-reactive. Employ low contact. Avoiding the noise.

By refusing to play this losing game, a sense of peace and well-being can better be restored. We are not at their mercy. We see them for who they are.

And we don’t need to give it feedback.

Let Them Realize.

Be Gone.

And then sometimes, severity is in order.

Last-ditch effort.


After years, or even decades, of trying with someone who is harmful for us, sometimes, the only solution is to leave.

They will not change. They will not get better. They will not understand what we’ve been trying to tell them.

They will not. Sometimes, they cannot.

Regardless, the dynamics will be harmful to us. Stress, health scares, financial ruin, and a decline to our own emotional welfare are a few signs, pointing for us to simply get out.

For most of us, it has not been the immediate first response. We have tried and tried and tried. We’ve done things, like reading books, taking classes, changing our appearance, our careers, our geographical status, our religious affiliation, and for what?

There is no change. There continues to be the same harmful dynamic.

We just get weaker, in the process.

Sometimes, we need to leave.

Absence contains the message. To them, yes, but more importantly, to ourselves.

It’s the message of reclamation of ourselves, of our right and value to remove ourselves from harm.

Sometimes, that harm is in a person.

Let Them Realize.

Be yourself.

Reclamation without their dead weight.

What a concept, huh? For many of us, it’s been a long, hard struggle through inner peace, refraining from noise, and leaving toxic people and situations behind.

It’s all about reaching some arrival point to discovering who we truly are. When we strip away the lies, the abuse, the negativity, and the dysfunction, we can encounter the question mark of our personal identities.

When we distance and remove ourselves from and gain a different perspective on what we have lived through, we are left with ourselves.  And we’re left with the ongoing work of deciphering who that is.

Be yourself.

It’s a milestone. It’s a declaration if independence. It’s a decision to start healing. It’s permission to remove masks and roles that do not fit us, were wrongfully imposed upon us, and were suffocating us.

Now it’s time to we give ourselves permission to do so?

That’s part of the work of “Be yourself.”

It’s also part of the process, reiterating, “Let Them Realize.”

Realization. It’s about us, not them.

Let Them Realize.

Beyond matter of revenge, justice, and what’s fair or unfair in life, there is the bigger picture of realization, personally applied TO us.

What we do or don’t do, how we handle a situation in which someone has done us wrong, has everything to do with how it impacts us. And it is impacting us.

The person who wronged us may never realize, understand, or care about what they have done.

But how are we responding in our life circumstances? How does it impact our daily lives? Our choices? Our relationships? Our health? Our sense of a spiritual connection? These are the factor that outweigh “getting even.”


It IS about us, not them.

Let US Realize.

Copyright © 2023 by Sheryle Cruse



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