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March 18, 2023

Frumpy in Chicago – My First Month in Chi-Town. Am I Crazy?

I just returned to the warm apartment from the bitter cold. Each occasion to take the dog outside amounts to being bundled up so much that the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters would certainly be envious.

This is Chicago.

One whole month in Chicago during winter. Sigh.

I mean from talking to locals this is why people are moving away from Chicago…because of their winter yet in classic nomadic-style I go to where others have left, leaving or no longer thrilled with it. Likely that is partly due to my introverted nature where if I see a crowd, I’m walking the other way most times.

Its cold is bitter, and one I haven’t tasted prior. I’m not a virgin to snow and ice but somehow this is its own sorta snow and ice with a Chicago flair to it. As tiny little snowflakes are now dancing across my view of Lake Michigan, the old adage of “give it five minutes and the weather will change” seems apt around these parts.

And I must ask myself yet again, “Am I crazy?”

After a decade officially on a spiritual journey which has taken me to 13 different residences, a wealth of roommates, and trips to three other countries, well you’d think that I’d be used to moving. But I am not. I actually have a very fixed nature and my home is my sanctuary and safe harbor from this insanity we call a world.

I have, however, discovered introspective things like I am home and wherever I go, there I am. Both are valid understandings, yet this leg of the journey has been unique unto itself. I came here already knowing I am home and was not seeking anything at all! I fully realized this when a beloved friend texted me, based on some tweets I had made concerning my initial unbalance here, and she said, “I hope you find what you are seeking there.”

I am not seeking anything here and that is the difference!

I just spent the last decade finding myself, discovering my inner home, that I am the love, and that I show up the exact same wherever I go, so the lessons have been learned, honored and embodied however what the heck am I doing in Chicago?

I do not know what I am doing in Chicago. That is the truth of the matter.

One month of frustrations, nothing lining up like it has with prior moves, and nothing is the same in Chicago, because I am not the same as any previous version of myself.

When I arrived in Chicago on the evening of February 18, 2023 I was unwritten. Do you know the song, Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield? A friend in Palm Springs, CA. introduced it to me many years ago.

I am unwritten
Can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Blank pages and new beginnings are great, right? They are fantastic when we realize we get to try again, especially while taking into account everything we’ve learned that worked and didn’t work prior. The caveat is that sometimes when a blank page stares us in the face it can feel like we forget how to hold a pen, or type on a laptop, or manifest a new job and friends and it can feel terrifying!

The blank page can feel like an inexplicable pressure to fill the pages up without making (another) mistake so we just sit there and stare at the emptiness. This current blank page has amounted to me not knowing what to do with myself in this bitter place, which offers up a mix of solid Midwesterner’s, concrete, architecture, a green river, trees, and a solid sense of home.

Chicago is like meeting myself for the first time. It feels sorta familiar, kinda comfortable, yet not quite, and has the audacity to change its mind in a moment’s notice. An example is the white out which is now happening outside my window, compared to the photo below taken 45 minutes ago. I, too, change like the wind and could be a bit more grounded like the picturesque buildings of old which fill the grid of streets here.

So I find myself as a new undefinable version of self, affectionately called frumpy in Chicago.

Seriously, though, I’m a bit of a stereotypical California girl by birth and not quite sure what to do with my new no-makeup and messy hair while possessing a take me as I am attitude which mimics Chicago to a tee.

Frumpy in Chicago

Rev. Arabella – Frumpy in Chicago

And I must admit that I love it! A part of me from the past doesn’t even quite recognize the new me. A new me that is in more ease here. Not having to put red lipstick on and hairspray to go around the corner down to the Go Grocer for a few items. I don’t feel like I need to hide in Chicago.

I am becoming more comfortable in myself, is the fact of the matter. It’s a joy I haven’t experienced prior. And trust me, I have experience with a lot of joy over the years, and an equal amount of pain however, today we are focusing on right here and now. Yes, old versions of myself made a lot of (perceived) mistakes yet self forgiveness is a valuable tool to use when reconciling with one’s self and their life.

So the future is frumpy and unwritten apparently.

Am I sticking around for another month? Well, yes and no.

Apparently I have other people to see and meet and villages to discover in Illinois, so I’ll be coming and going for the next few months.

I do wonder, with a new amazement, what might the next version of self be like in one month from now? It feels more exciting, than fearful, to think about discovering my future as an unwritten story that is being written with each step I take.

See you soon,

Arabella.

p.s. the sun is shining again.

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