A Shark Flies While A Man Dies

October 2012:

I opened my eyes, but all I could see was black; black which was sometimes interrupted by sharp, bright pain coming from my upper back. I tried to pull away from whatever was causing my back pain, but it seemed the more I struggled, the more the pain increased. I wanted to cry, then realized I was already fully submerged in water, so maybe I was crying and just couldn’t tell because of the black wetness. I could feel the unsteady flow of a current that occasionally slammed me back and yanked me forward against whatever wall to which I felt chained; there was no escaping the pain in my back, and I could not see a damn thing with my eyes wide open.

I could hear voices. I looked around the dark, watery emptiness to see from where the voices were coming. They were loud, as though they were right next to me, but muffled and distorted, probably from the water. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, and I had no visual cues to assist. I tried opening my eyes as wide as I could to let in whatever light there may be, but there was none. There were only garbled voices, and sharp, intense, deafening pain. Frustrated, I caught enough breath in between painful gasps to open my mouth to speak, and was immediately blinded by real, useful light!

I was startled by the immediate brightness and all the images that I’d seen in the brief flash before I had quickly shut my mouth and slipped back into darkness. I found the source of the voices! I can see them now, even in the dark, but they aren’t human; in front of me floated two alien deep-sea-looking creatures which were different from each other and emitted a unique, dull glow. I had seen that I was indeed chained to a wall in an underwater cavern and that I was not human, but some type of shark, and aside from the two strangers floating in front of me, it was completely dark and empty again. The creatures were trying to communicate with me, but they sounded like every adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon – “Wah wah wah.” I had seen that there were innumerable black tunnels leading out in every direction from the room in which I was chained. Each tunnel was as non-descript as the next, honeycombing the huge, rounded grey cave, and I immediately felt trapped and overwhelmed as my predicament began to sink in.

I was being held against my will, underwater, painfully, lost even if I had managed to break free from the wall. I wanted to cry again. I wanted to die. The pain in my back was the only thing that was distracting me from the hopeless dilemma in which I had found myself; well, the pain and the strange, now beautifully illuminated sea creatures in front of me. They were still talking to me, and I felt that I could almost make out what they were saying. I tried to ignore the pain in my back and focus hard on the louder creature that if I had to guess, was looking at me. It sounds like a male, and he’s asking me something.

Am I being tortured?! I open my mouth to say something, the cave lights up, I close my mouth and await approval. Did he understand me? Did he understand that I don’t know what the fuck he’s asking me, but I’m trying to appease him if he can take the pain off my back and help clue me in on where I am.

He is still talking to me calmly, though the pain is not gone, and I don’t understand. I try to ignore the back pain and hear him, but it sounds like he’s asking me to open my eyes. I’m even more confused because my eyes are wide open, but the cave is dark; except for the now dull neon light the sea creatures are emitting, and whatever spotlight thing I have going on when I open my mouth. I’m starting to think this is a game, that these creatures are trying to break me down and get inside my head. I am being tortured for reasons unknown to me, so I needed to learn their game.

I slowly, almost questioningly and hopefully, close my eyes and my head immediately hurts, which adds to the unbearable pain in my back. There is a huge, bright light right above my head, hospital equipment surrounds me, a loud thump-thump roaring of a rotary engine, and two men sitting on either side of me, in paramedic uniforms. I’m in a fucking helicopter, strapped to a gurney, bouncing inside and out of air pockets, and I want to scream, “Fuck this nightmare!” and so I close my eyes again, and they reopened in the dark underwater cave.

These were my options; a dark, empty, boring, painful cave, or a slightly less boring, more terrifying and way more painful ‘reality’. I’ll choose the more comfortable dark, thank you! The sea creatures’ lights had dulled, their voices persistent, but heavily muffled once again. Where was I before the cave?

I tried to remember, and it had to have been heaven. Murky images began to flow in and out of the cave from the tunnels in no helpful, discernable order other than appearing before me in a seemingly chronological order that made little sense to me at the time.

I was shown, and simultaneously felt remembrance of, many images almost as on queue. I remembered being completely immersed in what felt like a room, but the bright white light hid any indications of walls. I remember feeling like I was drawn from the room and there were high pitch noises of various frequencies, alternating between one tone and a combined chaotic roar, and I was formless, but I was being yanked sharply in all directions, as though I were an electron flowing through a circuit board. I remembered seeing lights of various colors; some that were felt and unseen and remain indescribable, but with a new understanding of why some people may have described heaven as a place paved in gold with pearly or pearlescent gates.

I remembered being anywhere and everywhere at once, as soon as I could remember or think of the place, real or imagined. I remembered everyone I had ever met, and I was with them once again, whether they were alive or dead. I remembered meeting new beings; not all human, some loving and welcoming, and others dark, fearful and frightening. I remembered so many heavenly and hellish scenes for what felt like an eternity, and I remembered it all feeling like God had inhaled me home where I was among the unconditionally loved and accepted.

The last of the images is carried out into the tunnel by its unseen current, and I’m stuck in the dark hellish cave with two odd creatures once again. I felt like I was just about to return to heaven, but one of the creatures was floating right in front of my face, his light was bright now, and his muffled voice was loud and excited.

What did he say? Stay? I try to focus and hear him, and I could make out “Hang in there, buddy”, and “Come on, bud, I need you to open your eyes for me.” Fuck that! A brief feeling of rage had hit me. I want to go home! I want peace and to be free of pain, and this creature is in my way. I try to push away from the wall and lunge at him and the pain in my back immediately checks my anger. Sad and a little defeated, I open my mouth attempting to acknowledge his requests; the cave lights up, and I slowly close my eyes.

I look at the paramedic, I grab his eyes with mine, wishing for him to understand how much pain I was suffering, and how much I was trying not to hate him or lash out at him. I saw him and his partner for what they truly were right as my eyes were closing in the cave; angels. I had to accept that if these angels were keeping me out of heaven, then I couldn’t go home yet, and I had felt defeated. I wished for the helicopter to crash, but it was pointless, and I was stuck in a painful hell where each second was an eternal, tortuous Inquisition.

Both paramedics were occupied caring for me, but only one was interrogating me. I could see him, an angel in disguise, keeping me alive, but for what? To be tortured eternally, but for what crime? He was asking me if I knew what day it was and what I could remember from that night. He was asking me my name, my birthday, and other questions that caused me to think, and maintain consciousness, and to fully appreciate the inescapable pain. Pain, pain, pain!

In the paramedics’ world, I had no dorsal fin being painfully pressed against a wall. It hurts to think, to speak, to keep my eyes open. What are the answers to his questions? I close my eyes and immediately open my mouth in hopes he’ll see that I’m trying to think and not ‘checking out’. Mouth barely opened to show teeth only, no noise, the cave is bright, and I can now see and hear the angels unmistakably. He asks me again my name, and the word ‘Charles’ swims out from one tunnel across the cave and into another.

“Charles,” I replied. At that moment, a large, glowing triangular tooth fell out of my mouth onto the cavern floor, and I understood the shark’s light source -and weapon- and began devising my escape.

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