An example of the grey area: a non-assault bad sexual experience. Why we need to change how we are conditioned to interact sexually.

I feel like even though it’s embarrassing and impossible to talk about without offending some people’s sensibilities it’s really important for women to talk about our experiences of the grey areas and how experiences that are not assault can be traumatic. In this spirit I am sharing a story that is on the higher end of the douchebaggery spectrum. Its not the worst non-assault sexual experience I’ve had but it’s up there.

I had connected with a guy online and when we met we hit it off. We had a fair bit in common and there was chemistry. We ended up back at my place and had fun Sex that lasted most of the night. It felt very reciprocal and friendly and I looked forward to seeing him again. The only thing that bothered me was that after I asked him not to, he touched my asshole a few more times. When I reminded him again I didn’t want that he said that his last girlfriend was really into anal so it was a habit for him now. In the morning I was not impressed with his tendency to do a running monologue about himself and not ask many questions but that is pretty standard male behaviour in my experience and I overlooked it as a red flag. I was buzzing from a good night of Sex and thought maybe next time we could make it even better. Apparently he had the same thought, the problem was he had a very different idea of what better Sex would look like. But I didn’t find that out until later.

So he invites me to his place for dinner a week later. He lives way out in the boonies but I was planning to stay over so all good. He would cook and show me the tiny house he was building. Yep he was a card carrying environmentally conscious feminist evolving man who knew how to say all the right things.

So I get to his place and have a few drinks while he cooks dinner. We talk about a bunch of things and things are going like last time so far. I don’t even think twice about drinking enough that it will be unsafe to drive for many hours. I feel safe. After dinner he shows me his entertainment setup and turns on his TV. He puts some porn on without asking if it is ok with me. I tell him I’m not into it. He says maybe if I watch some anal porn I’ll get over “my hang ups”. I say if he wants me to be totally turned off then keep on with the porn thing, otherwise turn it off and let’s try to connect again and see if we can get back the good atmosphere. He complies but I can tell he is annoyed. I have this feeling he had a whole scenario planned and something about the way he sat on the couch when he turned on the porn makes me think he was hoping I would suck his cock while he watched porn.
So then we try kissing but he’s being weird about kissing me because he wants me to do it one way and he thinks I’m trying to make him do it another way. Neither of us is totally relaxed anymore. Despite that I hope for things to improve and we move to the bedroom. The time before we had taken our time and done lots of sensual things before getting to intercourse. But this time he’s going straight for it. He’s just pulling my pants down like he can’t wait and climbing on top of me. Why didn’t I say anything?

I realize now that because of my childhood abuse when unexpected sexual stuff happens I go into freeze mode first and am unable to see what I could have done until later. I saw this really clearly several months ago when I was driving Lyft and a male in the passenger seat flashed his cock. I went into shock and freeze and was barely able to tell him to do up his pants. I silently drove him to his destination and said nothing until he was out of the car. I thought at this age I would not be so intimidated but that early training is tough to unlearn.

So he’s pushing for immediate intercourse and I just let it happen. In only a few seconds he comes. At this point I’m like “What was that?” And he says he was so turned on he couldn’t control himself. I’m on the verge of crying and he leans back with a big smirk on his face and says “I’m sure I can get hard again if you suck my cock for a while”. Now I’m so angry. I go and lock myself in the bathroom, take a shower and don’t come out for at least an hour. I’m still too drunk to drive and there are no taxis here. When I come out of the bathroom he acts like nothing weird is happening and asks with the same smirk if I want to try again. I say no thanks, I’m fine. He goes to sleep and I lay on the other side of the bed up against the wall and wait to sober up. I leave while he’s asleep. It was a brutal night of not feeling safe to sleep(which also triggered memories from being abused as a child, when I endured many years of not feeling safe to fall asleep). I fumed all the way home.

The kicker? A couple days later he calls me to say he had a great time and do I want to do it again!?! He couldn’t believe it when I told him it was a terrible experience for me and when he realized I was never going to go near him again, what he seemed most concerned about was who I might talk to about my experience.

So, it was not assault. Clearly we had completely different perceptions of what happened. But can you see how it could feel like violation? If we had both had consent training we might have been able to honestly express out desires and find a compromise that worked for both of us. As it was, entitlement, using manipulation instead of direct request, being trained to either be aggressive, or compliant, growing up in a society that teaches violence may follow non compliance, being a traumatized person in a world that assumes everyone has the necessary skills to assert healthy boundaries, and basic sexual disempowerment all played a role in creating this ugly scene.

I have more than a few stories that involve varying levels of douchebaggery in the bedroom, a few worse, most not as bad. I’m well aware they do not constitute assault, but these dynamics and behaviors need to be talked about if we are to change them. Let’s change them!

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