An Unsent Letter to a Past Love.

I loved you Honey Bear. I loved you hard. There was so much I wanted to say upon seeing you after six years apart, so many rich affectionate thoughts I wanted to share. Verbal language was of little importance. My eyes just longed to drink you in and absorb the presence I once strongly adored.

I wanted to throw myself in your arms and confess all the mini reflections I’ve had since our last hug ages ago. I wanted to hold one another because words are overrated and seem shallow compared to communication through the body and heart. The love I felt for you is not gone. It might dwell beneath the surface now but love like that doesn’t ever dissipate. 

Leaving you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It had little to do with falling out of love. It was more about finding myself. I needed space and time to blossom. I didn’t feel worthy in your company. Your identity was solid and unwavering. Mine, as a feminine, was emotional, tender, changing in motion like a wavy current, receptive, wild, just like Mother Nature. I had to grow into honoring, balancing and nurturing that part of myself and eliminating self doubt along the way.

I was conflicted living in your world. I adored so much of it but felt out of place internally. As much as I wanted you, I wasn’t ready to commit. I had a lot of evolving to do. I wanted to be a strong, adjustable woman. I didn’t feel like that’s who I was. I often thought you were more in love with the idea of me rather than the real me, whom I had yet to discover and reveal beyond uncertainty.

There was a subconscious part of me who felt confined in your environment. I needed to do what was necessary for my soul’s freedom in order to be a better person. I weighed my options a thousand times but had to be selfish and move in the direction that called to me. I learn as I go, too. I didn’t know how to be the best version of myself back then.

It’s been years of gained wisdom, challenge, mind expansion, personal development, sorrow, joy, heart opening, inner and outer journeys since we last saw one another. But I haven’t forgotten what we shared, nor do I intend to. I didn’t date anyone for three years after our split. I wasn’t ready to move on. I didn’t think I deserved a relationship and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t find anyone who could compare to you.

Why did you agree to meet me? It seemed cold and superficial. I don’t know if you were totally uninterested, too guarded to show any feels or if I made you nervous as well. It doesn’t really matter but I assumed our brief meeting would be less bland. Maybe it was hard to see me or maybe you really couldn’t care less. My lady mind has a tendency to over analyze. If you’re protecting yourself with a shield of ice, I hope warmth finds it soon and melts all heavy layers. You deserve to be full of happiness.

If I ever meant anything, why hide it? Why not show vulnerability? It’s a great strength. We are human. We spent four years wild in love. Perhaps you’re angry at me or truly indifferent but our union is present in my heart regardless of time or distance. It may not hold any significance anymore but if only you knew what you meant to me, perhaps that deep love would warm you on cold or rough days.

I expected and maybe desired too much upon seeing you again. I wanted your feels, weaknesses, rawness, joys, strengths, challenges, tragedies, ecstasies, authenticity. I wanted to gaze in your eyes and meet souls. I wanted to see the depth of your awesome spirit. I didn’t want to look away or change the subject to avoid awkwardness. I wanted to melt into you if only for an hour, sparking that rare and curious energy we once shared. If I latched onto you for a longer hug, would you have pushed me away?

Our strange, incomplete meeting came and went so fast. It left me anxious, imbalanced and thrown from my center. If only I had somehow insisted we remain still and quiet for a little while. I communicate more easily with energy. Words are an unnecessary component of connection. It is what it is. I’ve learned to value the confusion and struggles as much as the peace and bliss.

In Hawaii there’s a beautiful practice of forgiveness called Ho’o pono pono. It is meant to restore harmony in relations. It clears karma and cleanses on mental and spiritual levels. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Whether our special relationship lasted or not, the love I experienced with you is eternal. I won’t pretend it expired.

Thank you Honey Bear for usually loving my fire, bravely opening your home to me, supporting me, building a zipline in the yard for parties, planting trees with me, keeping me warm, making me laugh and sharing life together. Thank you for dancing with me. I adored being your puppet on a dance floor, flowing and following your moves. I occasionally dream of us dancing. I am forever grateful to you, my strong Montana stud. Thank you for being a cherished gem in my blessed existence. And thanks for teaching me to fly fish like you promised during our initial drunken connection. Sorry I hooked your face.

Comments