Arriving Home.

It burns through me like a fiery rage

Walking through this life suppressed
As if my approach was too much
Too much angst
Too much fire
Too much passion
Too much emotion
Too strong of an opinion
Not enough grace and kindness

Don’t make a scene, they said
Don’t make things difficult
Don’t BE difficult
Relax
Nobody likes a feather ruffler

I put duck tape across my own mouth
Fearing to be too much
Too much to be accepted
Too much to be loved

Feelings are for girls
They say
As if that’s something to be ashamed of
I lock away my lady parts in chains and throw out the key

Nobody wants to hear what you have to say, my mom says to the 8 year old me
Just keep quiet
You’re too young to have an opinion
Too young to speak you’re mind

Don’t be disrespectful!
I get smacked down again for standing up for myself
And these words tear through any form of clarity I’ve tried to find
Pierced by pain, blood drips out of my ears
I cower back into the dark hole that I’ve been taught to live in
A place where I don’t offend anybody
You can be who you are…within these perimeters

I sit and stew in my messy rage, alone, wondering what to do with all this muck that nobody taught me about
In the shadows of all that goes unspoken
I roll around in it with reckless abandon when no one is looking
It feels like home

And when others walk by, I quickly scramble to sit upright, cross my legs and smile sweetly as obvious shame drips out of my pours and runs into my eyes
They sting
While trying to not blink
Paralyzed in the pretend
Everything is cool here
Heart beating fast
Hoping to not be caught engaging in my forbidden feelings
Those dirty and abnormal, disgusting feelings
Quick, sweep it under the rug
Well-behaved and polite
Just how they like it
As I stand knee deep in quick sand
Too worried about what others think to even bother saving myself
They stare at the mess
Smiling back as they pass by
While I continue to sink
Nobody stops to help

When I come out, my coat is covered in the thick, dark muck as I walk the well-trodden paths, paved by the brainwashers of the world
And I look around and all I see are sheep
Factory made
Baa-ing all the way to work
Stuff coming out of their mouths, exact repeats of their neighbor sheep
But I can’t make out the message through the noise
As if they are speaking a language I was never taught
Nothing original
Everyone fits in
And I wonder why my coat is a different color

Creativity smothered in public schools by botched standards of what “smart” is
Knowledge tested within certain perimeters
Not allowed to color outside the lines
And for the love of God, don’t you dare step outside that box.
Walking around the lunch room, tray in my shaky hands as I franticly look for a place to sit
Not fitting in with the cool kids, the punks, the band nerds, or the geeks
Where do I go?
Who are my people?
So I bend and meld, and shift forms to fit a little here and a little there
And a little over there too

I smile and nod my head in agreement with whoever will give me the time of day, no matter who is speaking or what is being spoken about
My body language mimics those who sit across from me
I wear what I’m supposed to wear and say what I’m supposed to say
I’m a chameleon, changing from crowd to crowd
Until I’m unrecognizable to myself
But hey, at least my ego can swoon itself to sleep for another night
And I don’t have to go crawling back to my mother
And watch her get off on my pain

Not important enough to have such strong words
Not intelligent enough to speak so freely on such big topics
Not pretty enough to stand tall and proud
My approach and delivery are all wrong.
I’m not doing it the “right way”

Baa
Baaaaaa
I want to scream!
I want to claw my way out from the pit of my stomach
I want to spit my truth
I want to say what I have to say the way I want to say it!

For thirty years I’ve been told to be quiet, to not be too much, to not be difficult, to go with the flow, to be nice, and for the love of god, don’t put up a fight
Just to sit there, cross your legs and behave

Fuck that!
Fuck you!
Fuck this!

Never learning properly how to be honest and to live a life of truth
For everything I said and did hurt her feelings.
Confused
Is it safe to love myself?
Is it ok to show cleavage?
Is it ok to be seen?
Rejection from every angle
Abandoning myself
Neglecting my own well being

Lies spill from grit teeth
Until I know THAT as the only thing that’s real

I’m like a wild bull kicking the walls in of her own cage
The rage is fierce and uncontrollable and bound to be unstoppable
The walls are starting to crumble around me
The caged demon has wallowed around knee deep in the muck of trying to be something it’s not for far too long
Frozen in fear
Centuries of walking on eggshells, careful to not hurt others’ feelings
But cut feet cause me to slip and fall time and time again
And I choke on my truths as I drown in the pool of misery

All this shape shifting
It’s gotten me no where
Where are my friends?
I have none.
Where’s my lover?
He’s never come
So much effort has gone into pleasing everyone I’ve come into contact with
Yet no one has ever stayed

I’ve been waiting a thousand years to be let out of my cage
To be loved
To cut loose
To share my passion
My words
My art with the world
To taste the sweet forbidden fruit of freedom

My knees quiver as my feet find solid ground for the first time
To take the first step forward in the dense forest where sheep don’t roam
Ready to pave my own path
Nothing to loose in one hand, broken chains in the other
Fear of loosing external love has left the temple of my body
After the realization that it was never there in the first place

I take the first step
The earth shakes and goes BOOM with a vengeance
And the light of my fire guides the way
To the path that leads within
Showing me what I’ve been looking for, for all my lives’
Love for self, hiding in plain sight
For it’s been there all along
Patiently awaiting my arrival home

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