Blood Between My Toes.

The poem you are about to read was extremely hard to write. I never thought I would be in such an unfamiliar mental state. Relationships are hard. Hell, life is hard. But, there is always another outlet other than self harm. I am sharing this poem In hopes that someone might read this and think twice about harming themselves. In hopes that someone might notice a toxic relationship when they are in one. Get out. Run the other way. Please don’t let the blood get between your toes.

 

So here I sit

In the kitchen

Alone.

 

I am now finally finding my voice

My strength

And realizing that I deserve better

So much better

 

Why have I neglected MYSELF for so long

I am use to giving

I give to my students

I give to my children

I give to my family

I give to my friends

And I gave everything that was left

Everything

To YOU

 

Yet I am still sitting here alone

 

I have let you disrespect me

my feelings

my desires

my body

my soul

I am finally starting to come out of the fog

The fog of this toxic and destructive relationship

I once called you my “twin flame”

More like “twin shit on my soul”

 

The instagram love that seemed so perfect

will finally be posted for what it truly is

Toxic

 

Toxic love is the hardest.

It’s the worst kind of love

I hope I never find toxic love again

 

I have never felt such frustration in my life

Frustration inflicted by another human being

Frustration that would serge through my veins and ignite my inner crazy

I couldn’t control it

 

Only until I feel blood running down my legs

Only then would the frustration feel satisfied

Only then would the crazy subside

 

Sitting on the kitchen floor

Blood dripping down my favorite gold cutting knife

Blood dripping down my leg and in between my toes

Only then would I feel calm

 

Did a man really drive me to act like this?

I know this is crazy

“not normal”

I will never judge again

Now I know what true crazy feels like

 

So many uncharted emotions running through my body/mind

My only outlet is self harm?

Fuck that

Don’t bring me to that point

I love you

Love me

 

I wanted more

I NEEDED more

More crazy sex

more nights that felt other wordly

 

Why can’t you just be all in?

Why can’t you be my twin flame?

I am here

 

My heart and my soul is trapped in you

Love me

Meet me in the kitchen where I sit alone

 

Or leave me

Please pick one

 

I am done being ignored

I am done having plans canceled

I am done with you not giving time to my children

I am done making all of the plans

 

And so here I sit, ALONE.

I guess alone is going to be my “Twin flame”

Maybe all of this is to show myself, I am enough.

 

What am I scared of?

 

I am scared to be alone

I am scared to be lonely

No one to share my day to day with

Inside jokes

Adventures

Bikes

Beers

Sex

Coffee

 

But coffee alone HAS to be better than

Blood between my toes

 

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