Break Through the Heartbreak

We’ve all been there before. Harsh words from someone we love, betrayed by someone we trusted, or let down by those we have relied on. Most often than not, these very scenarios are what caused the riff in a marriage or relationship. And because we don’t know how to trust again, the connection crumbles.

I’ve experienced many rough patches in my relationships, some that ended, others that flourished, all depending on how I chose to show up when things went sideways. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do it perfectly- that’s practically impossible. But when I follow these tips in my life, and when I walk my clients through this process, there is often a profound shift and a deepening of intimacy and love. The magic is in the method. So let’s break it down…

When anyone experiences heartache, there are two primary forces behind it: one is an expectation and the other is the story/meaning we assign to the situation.

To be clear, there is no excuse for bad behavior. For causing pain, for ghosting, burning, or intentionally neglecting those they love. And yet even as these things happen for you, you still hold all the power. Let me explain.

Expectations are often formed based on ideals and values, on a “perfect” world. This is the default. These expectations often don’t allow for human flaws or shortcomings, or the very real wants, needs, and motivations of the other person. People focus on themselves when their needs aren’t being met. Every person will behave selfishly when they are emotionally starving. (Think of that friend who gets hangry when her blood sugar drops).

Part of awakening and being in alignment with yourself is knowing, accepting, and nourishing your core needs. And also knowing that everyone is on their own path. We get into trouble when we assumed a person is fully awakened to their needs and living selflessly at all times. You most probably have an idealized version of who you think your partner should be (this is our default) rather than seeing him as he is in front of you. Truth is, we all long to be loved despite our flaws, and your man is no different.

And when he does mess up (because he will), observe how that makes you feel. Do you feel angry, sad, or lonely? Does his behavior make you feel unloved, undesired, or under-appreciated? Whatever story you form about yourself, stemming from his behavior, will dictate how much (or how little) heartache you feel.

Let’s look at a small example: he didn’t call/text when he said he would. You can choose an empowered path or a disempowered path. In one hand, you can feel angry/hurt/etc and choose to act from those emotions- lashing out in a text, give him the cold shoulder treatment, or sit alone with your mind going down the rabbit hole of how he must not love you after all and how you must’ve f*cked up somehow. This is the disempowered path.

The empowered path looks like this: you feel angry/hurt/etc (emotions will still rise up, don’t make it bad or wrong) but instead of reacting, you choose to observe those emotions and ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” Maybe you need love or connection, or to feel excited. The second question is this, “What’s one thing I can do right now to fill that need?” Your partner isn’t going to be able to meet all your needs 100% of the time. And it’s in your power to have a list of options for yourself rather than “going without,” which builds resentment. Maybe one option looks like picking up the phone and connecting with a friend, maybe it means journaling or meditating to connect with yourself or your higher power, maybe it looks like curling up on the couch with a good book, or going for a walk to breathe some fresh air. This is your moment of empowerment– choosing to take action to fulfill an unmet need.

And after you’ve done some self-care and those initial emotions dissipate, think about the story you created and rewrite an empowered one. Did you originally think “I must not be that important to him” or something similar? (It’s pretty natural to make the story about ourselves, but often that isn’t the case. It’s a trait from childhood, one that sticks around until we consciously work at outgrowing it.) Now think of at least 5-10 empowered alternatives for what could have happened. Maybe he got stuck in a meeting, maybe he just lost track of time, things like that. This is crucial, don’t be tempted to skip it. Opening yourself to this variety of options creates space for healing the heartbreak.

Last step: talk about it. At some point after you are reunited, share your experience with him. It’s important for our masculine partners to understand the “why” behind why something is so important to us (rather than chastising or scolding, neither of which they respond well to.) And also for you to feel seen, understood, and loved by your partner requires that brave step of sharing and being vulnerable.

He will forget, he will mess up. A LOT. And so will you. And that’s okay. The most amazing, intimate, connected couples do, too. It’s what you do about it that makes all the difference in the world.

And at any time you are feeling lost or confused, not sure what to do or where to start, please reach out for help. None of us are born knowing how to have a healthy relationship, and most of us did not have great examples for love growing up. It’s ok to still be learning, and none of us can do it all alone. If true love is what you deeply long for, seek an expert who can show you how to get there. You deserve it.

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