Feel It.

It’s 1:30am and I can’t sleep because my body clock is still set in Maui, Hawaii. Being from Philadelphia, my brain thinks it is currently 7:30pm. I’m not complaining because I’ve just had an incredibly restorative trip. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude. A yoga retreat in Maui was just what the doctor ordered, and I’m so grateful that I made the last minute decision last month to make this journey.

In about three weeks, my divorce will be finalized. I will no longer be a Mrs. To say that the last few years have been a roller coaster ride would be the understatement of the century, so I was in dire need of a getaway.

Leading up the trip I was crippled with a sense of anxiety for the unknown. It would be my first trip alone, travel time was approximately 12 hours, and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I just knew that I had to go into this adventure with an open mind and be willing to be uncomfortable. Even before the trip began, I knew it would be one to remember.  I was told that I would learn some things about myself traveling alone, and I was excited to be left alone with my thoughts as scary as they can be sometimes.

Almost immediately after stepping into the PHL airport, I felt a shift within me. That anxiety turned to excitement. I was headed to a yoga retreat in paradise, and I was doing it alone! I felt capable and powerful. I was willing and ready to face whatever challenges I may come across on my journey, and I was ready to do it alone.

After a plane ride that seemed to last forever, I arrived in paradise with a newfound appreciation for my feet on the ground and the biggest smile on my face I’ve had in quite some time. I picked up my rental car, which was upgraded to a convertible that I had no idea how to work. I figured it out eventually! Better yet, I did it alone. The old norm was would have been to ask my ex to help me figure it out. This time I tapped into my own inner wisdom and had that convertible top down in no time! This is only one small example but it’s incredible what you are capable of doing when left to your own devices.

I arrived at the hotel and checked in eager to get the trip started. I went to my assigned room and met my fellow yogi roommate, Elizabeth. It felt uncomfortable sharing a room with a complete stranger but having recently moved into an apartment with someone I met online, it wasn’t all that strange. I embraced the discomfort and soon it felt normal.

There was a healing energy in Maui that I can’t quite explain. I felt it almost immediately. It’s one of those instances where you have to be there to fully grasp the concept. It was as if time moved by slowly, allowing those who resided within to embrace every moment and truly savor the experience. This made the five night retreat worth the 24 hours of overall travel time.

Then I met the fellow yogis on the retreat, and from that moment on I will never be the same. There is something powerful about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with other human beings. We shared our stories and what we hoped to get from the experience. Some were there for clarity, some to get back in touch with yoga, others to heal. It was through our stories that we were able to connect. I met quite a few people who had also been through divorce and understood how emotionally draining it is.

Every night dinner was served family style and every yogi attended. It was during this time that I believe we connected the most, and we had fun in the process! There was one night after one glass of wine too many perhaps that we logged into my Tinder account and passed my phone around the table. Everyone took turns swiping left or right. Oh, the belly laughs we had that night! The Tinder profile of the night: “I’m just looking for a ride to Arby’s.” Whenever I see an Arby’s, I am forever going to think of this trip, that moment, and those incredible people I was fortunate to meet.

During the course of this trip, I laughed and I cried. I felt uncomfortable and I felt alive. I felt a joy that I have not felt in a very long time. Feeling the joy opened up the door for a lot of buried emotion to rush to the surface. It was in those moments that I would cry. There was one day when a few of us went on a snorkeling excursion. It was breathtaking, and I was in my element. I love the water, and I had an incredible time! Snorkeling in the Molokini Crater was an experience I’ll cherish forever. I felt as if I was in the midst of “Finding Nemo”. The colors, the diversity, and the good company made this day trip well worth every penny spent. I had a smile on my face the entire time. Later that night at dinner, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me and had to be excused fairly early. I went back to my room, turned off the lights, and began sobbing uncontrollably. It was 8pm and that was how I spent the remainder of my evening.

The joy I had felt earlier that day made way for the sadness. I am still mourning my divorce, whether I want to admit it or not. I’m 29 years old, and I thought I would be happily married with a kid by now. It will take time and I will continue to have those rushes of emotion. The important thing is that I feel them and don’t try to bury them when they arise. This trip helped me realize I was in denial. I am not okay, and that is okay. The day after my crying episode, I felt lighter. I stayed the entire duration of dinner that evening, and I connected some more. Even now that I am back at home, I think that is the best way to describe how I’m feeling: lighter. I processed a lot of buried shit, and as long as I continue to do so I’m going to be okay.

I think one my biggest takeaways from this trip is that we are never alone. We are all connected in one way or another. To feel the connection, you have to be willing to open your heart and mind. You have to visit that uncomfortable place of vulnerability. To properly heal, you have to be willing to feel everything from joy to sadness to anger, or whatever else you may be holding onto.

I’m going to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I’m going to continue moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Feel the pain and move on. Feel the joy and move on.

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