Life essentially presents us with a series of choices to make. Sometimes we are forced to make a big decision we don’t want to make; we find out that what we resisted is entirely what we want. Choices that at the time perhaps mean absolutely nothing to us, its easy to choose, yet years later we may find ourselves buried by the guilt or shame and we can only hope to be brave enough to ask ourselves, why?
When you are a 20 something with your whole life ahead of you, and becoming a mother is not in your plans, to find out that you are pregnant can be a shock and disappointment. How could I let this happen? Unable to even say the words out loud, I knew what had to be done. This choice was easy.
Making a call to a clinic to say, “I am pregnant and need to schedule an abortion”, had to be one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever had to do. It feels like you’ve just swallowed your entire throat.
So, you go, you talk it out, take the drugs and it’s done. Life goes on, almost exactly as it did before. Because, you didn’t want to be a mother and this was definitely not the right time. Years pass and its nothing but a distant memory, something you hide from everyone you meet. What would they think? But, it’s easy, because no one openly talks about this anyhow. You’re off the hook!
Only, you can’t hide how it really makes you feel. You can’t deny that at some point you will have to deal with it. Years later something might trigger you that causes your heart to open up, tears streaming and there you are, laying in bed at night asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness for not being ready, forgiveness for not knowing that there was any other choice and that you are sorry.
This is totally normal and profoundly healing so let us let these waves of emotion wash over us, shall we? You needed it and the universe needed you to acknowledge this thing, this thing that did happen in your life. What a relief and a blessing, here’s to moving forward, finally!
Many questions may follow this new found acknowledgement, like; do I want to be a mother after all? What are my real reasons for not being open to children? Am I afraid? Meditation, self Reiki are all great ways to heal and go deep within to find clarity around this part of the process. I know it was for me.
Can you imagine having to go through this a second time? Well, it happened – again. As we progress on our journey of spirit and become more conscious about how we live our life we become, hopefully, more in tune with our bodies so as life would have it, I knew my body was pregnant before I took a test for confirmation.
Now in my late twenties, things looked different, maybe you have changed your mind and you want to have children. This would no doubt be a very difficult decision to make. Are you being tested? Why is this happening again? Maybe you want a family, but not now.
Loss is loss, no matter how we got there. Consciously choosing to abort does not mean that it is easier for you than the woman next to you that has miscarried. It is loss and it is OK to grieve. You are never alone in this and we can only hope for support during this time. You will heal and life does go on, this is a part of being human. You are stronger than you think you are!
About the Author
Marika Jewell is a lover of travel, spirituality and is an avid activist for living a healthy life. Nature is where she finds solace, bike riding her mental challenge and yoga brings her physical strength. Oh, and she loves to go on hikes with her dog!
Instagram – @marikajewell
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