How My Biggest Regret Changed My Life.

Life is short. Yet most of the time, we are adamant to make it seem even shorter by having regrets about what we assume to be mistakes. When we make decisions, we let ourselves believe that our choices are and should always be right. What we fail to understand is that there might not be any wrong choice – or any right one for that matter. Choices aren’t meant to determine whether we did the right thing or not but are there to help us realize and understand who are and where we want to be. When we regret a choice, it is because somewhere in our minds there is a Utopia where the right decisions would have solved all our problems. Dealing with that choice and decision becomes hard precisely because of this imaginary Utopian world – because we choose to remain stuck in it.

There is one instance that comes to my mind that started a myriad of regrets for several years to come. It was the time I was leaving home to study abroad for my bachelors. My parents were perfectly happy with the idea of supporting me for as long as I needed them to and did not want me to spend four years of my life away from them. I thought that my regrets came from guilt that I initially felt as I left them. I thought that I had disappointed them by not being able to find a solution that would make them happy too. But I soon realized that it was not their disappointment that I regretted. I was disappointed in myself for not explaining to them the reasons why leaving was so important to me. Instead, I had been trying to come up with solutions when there weren’t any to begin with, and after failing, I had just left.

Initially, due to overlapping feelings of guilt and homesickness, my feelings would sometimes morph into anger. I had become distant and reserved even when it came to friends. Sometimes I would feel like my family had been expecting too much of me, and I would channel out such feelings as not giving a care in the world about anyone else. I started calling home lesser and lesser, until eventually my parents were the only ones calling me. Those emotions got to me so much that I let them out on a good friend of mine. We had just begun discussing something serious, and before we knew it things got out of hand and we were fighting about it. It wasn’t even much of a fight, but because of my shaky temperament, I came up with a master plan in my already messed-up head. I vowed never to talk to that friend again. It was going great until I realized that I had no memory of the reason behind our fight. And just like that, three years passed.

The greatest shock that I received, one that I still find myself questioning my decisions about, was the passing away of my grandmother. Not only was I abroad, I was studying for my third-year mid-terms when I got the call. Her memories made it hard for me to concentrate on anything, but despite what was going on back home, I couldn’t make it in time for the funeral. Every other detail started getting to me as well. How I had hardly called to check up on her while I was away. How I was not there for her in her final moments. I sat with my textbook open in front of me as her kind and gentle voice kept saying what it always used to say, “You will do something good with your life. You’ll see.” What had I done with my life? Left my parents. Broken off with friends. And now my grandmother had left me. I thought about her words again. She didn’t say I would become famous, she didn’t say I would become successful – she said I would do something good. Despite all the depression that I felt in that moment, those words stuck with me.

I rang up my phone a couple of days later to talk to my parents. They sounded better, so it gave me the strength to keep calm as well. The usual questions were asked, how I was, how studies were going, whether I was eating well or not. I answered each question in detail. And in those simple answers, I was finally able to tell them what I had wanted to say since the day I told them that I would be leaving to study. I told them that studies were going pretty well, and a lot of job opportunities were opening up. I told them that I was eating well since I had learnt to cook a few things with friends and through videos. I told them that I had already packed my suitcases and taken care of the errands that they had asked me to, so that I could spend my vacations back home peacefully. They seemed happy. Happy to hear that I was taking care of myself, that things were looking up for me, and that I had become independent, and most of all, that I was coming home only to spend time with them, and for nothing else to worry about. I called them both again, individually, and this time, I asked them more questions than they asked me.

When I got back home, I called up my friend to apologize. It was awkward at first because it had been three whole years since we had talked. To my greatest surprise, he forgave me instantly and started chatting as if we had been talking normally all this time. We both hung up after a while, but the unexpected results of the conversation lingered on for several minutes. That is when I began to rethink all my previous regrets that I had had ever since I left for college.

My decision to study abroad was definitely paying off in terms of my future. But more than that, it had helped me become confident enough to explain my point of view to my parents. I was not afraid of conflicts anymore, the way I used to be before I started living alone. The fight with my friend was over but I realized that I had it in me to be big enough to apologize. I had the ability to let my ego slide and consider things rationally. And my dear grandmother finally made me understand what it meant to be good. I could and would never give up on any of my relations. I had begun calling and checking up on my family and friends much more than I used to, and it always ended up making me feel as if some unknown weight had been lifted off me – the simple act of calling someone up and asking them about their day.

For me, regrets are just pathways to self-growth. Failure is one thing. I could quote a thousand people who call themselves destiny’s children born out of failure. But this isn’t about what I failed at. This is about realizing that my past is my experienced teacher, teaching me how to tread carefully in the future. Therefore, the bigger the regret, the more seasoned this teacher becomes.

Comments