CHAPTER 1
Loving yourself (and healing your childhood)
This where it all starts!
“There is only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment, when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise.”
– Marianne Williamson
One of my favorite authors, Louise Hay, claims that we can resolve most of our problems by simply loving ourselves. When I first heard this statement, I have to admit that it sounded silly. What does “love yourself” mean exactly? For some people, self-love means shopping at high-end boutiques, driving a fancy car, or getting a massage. There is nothing wrong with those things, except that they only bring short-term satisfaction. This type of self-love wears off as soon as the experience is over. It is impossible for us to maintain lasting inner peace and contentment through it. True self-love requires cultivating a certain way of being with ourselves, a way of self-approval and self-acceptance. It requires us to find inner peace and to rest comfortably within the depths of our being. Getting there is not an easy process but it can be done. We need to look within, discover our truth, and align with our life’s purpose.
Most of us hold a certain dose of self- criticism, guilt, or judgment. Those feelings cause a lot of our problems and prevent us from manifesting our dream life. To become our ideal self, we need to release all of our negative self-beliefs. This is the first step on the path of manifestation.
The first time I started practicing “loving myself” was during a dark period in my life. I was working long hours in finance and hated my job, but needed to pay the bills. I could not see a way out of the situation. Some days, I would come home and sit on the couch and cry. I was too exhausted to go outside or socialize. You may have been in a similar situation. Whether it’s a horrible job or a bad relationship, we have all been stuck at some point in our lives.
So what are you supposed to do? How do you find a way out? I started by repeating the mantra created by Louise Hay: “I love and approve of myself.” Initially, I didn’t think much of it since I considered myself an expert in the self-help industry. I had read every spiritual book out there and intellectualized the concepts, although never fully embodying them. I was desperate at the time, so I decided to try. What if this mantra could actually work? I started repeating it day and night, giving it my all. The mantra became part of my conscious awareness throughout the day. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night repeating, “I love and approve of myself,” drinking my morning coffee repeating, “I love and approve of myself,” going for a run repeating, “I love and approve of myself.” I would laugh myself silly at the repetition of it.
The Shift occurred slowly. First, I started analyzing my current situation. Would I make someone I love work 14-hour days? Absolutely not! I felt like a hypocrite. There was no way that I loved and approved of myself. Ideas were racing through my mind. How did I get myself there in the first place? Why was I manifesting this dreadful situation?
I decided to look at my life from an outside perspective. Both my brother and mother got very sick when I was 14, so I became a caretaker at an early age. I felt responsible and completely helpless. No matter how much I tried, I could not help them. No wonder that as I grew up, I would constantly push myself. I worked multiple jobs and went to school at the same time. Once I got into finance, I put in overtime and took on too much responsibility. I was in mode of constantly giving and not taking care of myself. This type of lifestyle eventually led to my burning out. I had to stop and examine my life choices.
Four months after this realization, I designed an escape plan. I was on the path of personal transformation. The first step was to start loving myself. Then I opened myself up to seeing the situation from a different angle. I changed my perception and my reality changed. I went through a healing process. I had to learn how to believe, even when I could not see. I let it go and let it happen. I finally manifested the perfect consulting job that allowed me to pursue my passions, I started teaching Reiki, and created an online company, Stress Away (www.stressaway.me).
Now it’s your turn: go ahead take a look at your life. What are your patterns? Are you constantly attracting the wrong men or women, taking care of everyone else and putting yourself last? Sit down and write down your life story. Go into detail of what happened to you when you were between the ages of 1 to 5, 5 to 10, 20, 30 and 40? Think about your childhood. How did it feel? What beliefs did you create? What type of relationships did your parents have? How did they treat you? Were you spoiled or were you a caretaker? Research shows that we form our beliefs up until the age of 7.
If you grew up in a tough environment or in a dysfunctional family, you are likely to attract the same type of situations later in life. You will make subconsciously sure your job and relationships are just as hard. Your patterns will be repeating over and over again, until you notice and decide to make a change. Do you see the same situation, feeling, or type of person recurring in your life? Once you identify your patterns, it is easier to shift them. The universe is self-correcting. It will bring us the same experiences until we take notice and decide to change our belief systems so that we can manifest our ultimate purpose. Abundance is not restricted to money only. It also includes health, relationships, career, and ultimately, inner peace. What are you supposed to do in order to achieve it all?
Think about the things you’re able to do for a loved one. Mothers gain strength to lift cars to save their kids. The same is true for you. If you work on cultivating self-love, you will be able to access the inner strength necessary to make a change. Loving yourself is the first and most essential step in making The Shift. It can be a hard and painful process. Do not delay until you have the perfect life, career, and/or partner. You deserve happiness now because you exist right now. No need to be or achieve anything else. Make a commitment, plant a seed, and promise to love yourself!
Follow the exercises below until you notice The Shift within. This is the first step that will set you on the path of self-transformation. The rest will unfold naturally.
Practical Exercises:
1) Start repeating this simple mantra throughout the day: “I love and approve of myself.”
A “mantra” is a sentence that you repeat until it becomes part of your conscious awareness. When you wake up each morning, stand in front of the mirror and say, “I love and approve of myself.” Repeat the mantra throughout the day and at night before you go to sleep. Practice until you feel this statement to be true in your heart. It may feel weird at first and might not make sense. Repeat the mantra anyway. Don’t stop. Your subconscious mind knows the meaning. After a while, the words will reach your heart. Don’t worry about how this works. Just trust the process and open your mind.
When you repeat the mantra “I love and approve of myself” and listen quietly, you will notice the change. First your thoughts will start shifting, then your values, and finally your belief system. You will be responding differently to situations, and before you know it, your reality will change. For this mantra to have an effect, you need to actually say it in your mind, or out loud, constantly throughout the day. Simply reading about it, or only understanding the concept, will not produce results!
I will explore further the way our subconscious mind learns in the next chapters to provide clarification as to why we need to repeat these words for our beliefs to shift. For now, please trust the process and keep an open mind.
Here are the steps for this chapter:
1) Exercise One: Reprogram your brain to self-love and acceptance. Find a quiet place and repeat the mantra in your mind: “I love and approve of myself.” Wake up and stand in front of the mirror, repeat the mantra. Repeat the mantra while brushing your teeth. All the way through breakfast, throughout your day and until evening before you go to bed, keep repeating it; anytime your thoughts drift, keep coming back to this mantra. Do not move to the second phase of the meditation before you have mastered this one.
2) Inner Child Meditation: Ho’oponopono (translation: I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you!) is an ancient Hawaiian healing method popularized by Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. The psychiatrist used this technique to cure a whole ward of mentally ill patients in Hawaii. Ho’oponopono states that we are responsible for creating our own reality and so we have the ability to change it. It is a technique based on the teachings of the Kahunas, who are the spiritual teachers or shamans in Hawaii. Most of their practices are kept secret and not shared with outsiders. Dr. Hew Len was trained in this tradition, in addition to receiving a Western education in psychology.
The way to perform his inner child meditation is by cultivating a relationship with our inner child or our subconscious mind. Our subconscious is one with the collective; it is where we store all the pain and memories. Our conscious mind is the mother of all creation. Through Ho’oponopono meditation, we work on cultivating the relationship between the two. The way to clear our mind is to access our inner child and ask for permission to let go. It is not necessary for us to understand what is causing the pain. Simply cultivating our relationship with the inner child lets us access this knowledge, so we can let go and clear the pain.
Sit in a comfortable position in a quiet place. Place your hand on your heart. Play some relaxing music or light a candle. Close your eyes and breathe for couple of minutes. Imagine yourself as a little kid. How did you look? What did you wear? What kind of hair did you have? Then say to your inner child, “I acknowledge your presence in me.” Sit quietly and continue breathing. Notice what feelings come up. Then tell your inner child, “I love you.” Keep repeating this sentence a couple of times. Continue breathing and expanding your heart. Acknowledge the pain that is coming up and say, “I am sorry, please forgive me.” After a couple of minutes, ask your inner child for permission to gently stroke its hair. See yourself doing it. As you stroke the top of its head, say, “I love you. Please forgive me. I am sorry.” Take an inventory of all the stuff that is coming up and ask your inner child to let go. Then ask for permission to hug very gently. Talk to your inner child, “Thank you for being part of me. I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you’ve experienced. Please, please forgive me.”
Ask your inner child to hold its hand. Gently take it and repeat: “I love you, thank you for being part of me. Please forgive me.” Take another inventory of what is coming up. It could be financial or relationship patterns for you. Ask your inner child gently to let it go. Release the memories replaying in your mind.
Think of what is going on in your life right now. Maybe you have overdrawn your bank account or you are going through a foreclosure. Perhaps you’re going through a breakup or an illness. Ask your inner child to let go. Then ask permission to take its other hand. Gently grasp it and stroke it. Ask yourself what is going on with you that you are experiencing relationship problems? You do not need to know what the reason is for what you are experiencing. Just ask your inner child to please let go.
The relationship between your conscious mind and subconscious is the most important bond you need to cultivate. Acknowledging the presence of your subconscious starts the healing process. Gently ask your inner child for permission to hold its shoulders and talk to it again, “I love you. Please forgive me, I am sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced. Thank you for being part of me.” Notice again what feelings and thoughts are coming up for you. Financial problems? Relationships trauma? Other difficult situations? Gently ask your inner child to let go. Acknowledge its presence in you. Say again, “I love you, thank you for being part of me. I am sorry for all the pain that you have been carrying from the beginning of time. Please forgive me for ignoring you. I am sorry. I love you. Thank you for being part of me. Thank you for being willing to let go. Together, we can be free.”
You should read this meditation a couple of times so that you can memorize it before practicing. It is recommended to practice this step for at least a couple of weeks, 10 minutes in the morning and/or in the evening, until you notice The Shift within.
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