I admit it, I screwed up… Now what?

Okay, I admit it… I screwed up but now what? I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with. Some people would say, that is the understatement of the century. Under statements are true statements that have been stated enough. I agree with this understatement wholeheartedly. But it doesn’t change the fact that I accept responsibility for my duplicity. That being said how the hell do I fix it? I’ve been sitting here with a pen and paper for the last two months trying to figure out what to write to you so you understand that I understand. I make no excuses for my bad behavior. All I can say in my defense is it wasn’t done with malice in my heart. I’m human, I make bad decisions & bad choices every day. But that doesn’t mean I meant to hurt anyone in the process.

When it comes to family, it seems that every bad decision or choice that I’ve made has been taken personally as some type of personal attack. But I can honestly say that is not the case. While I’m unfortunately a slave to my mood swings and bipolar tendencies, none of my choices have been personal. There is no book on taking responsibility for bad behavior and how to fix relationships that have fallen apart due to these decisions. And if there is one, I have never stumbled upon it. All I’m saying is I am sorry that my choices affected relationships in my family negatively.  I am also saying I don’t know that there’s bad choices that should carry a lifetime punishment. I can admit that I’ve caused people pain with this willy-nilly attitude of mine. However, I am sorry and I do want to make changes.

Communication is a funny thing. You can communicate without ever even opening your mouth. And sometimes communication can be a tricky slippery slope. Especially, the unspoken kind. Me, not being present in the moment, is not an action indifference. Indifference suggests a lack of emotion. That couldn’t be any farther from my reality. If anything, I am an emotional roller coaster, in the middle of volcano, surrounded by Hurricane and followed by a tsunami. How can I translate that shit storm and lack of intention that caused pain because of the perceived indifference of my behavior? Sometimes, the lack of verbal communication on my behalf is a sign I am at an emotional Crossroads. And I don’t know about you, but Crossroads terrify me. Just seems like a lot of pressure to make the right decision for everyone involved is one that should be taking way more seriously that I have in the past.

I realize that I am a 51 year old woman, the mother of four and grandmother of five.  I am still trying to harness my own emotions. All I can do is keep trying. And I think that effort may pay off major emotional dividends.

Comments