I am okay, even though I am not okay.

I tried my hardest not to think of you in any possible way. I really did try hard, but I failed intentionally. You appeared as an isolated and detached raindrop on the glass window pane. You emerged as a “jack in a box” haunting the spooky rooms of this desolate mansion I called my thoughts. You just dropped out, like a carefully folded candy wrapper hidden in the pages of my favorite book, forcing me to unfold the perfect lines, each unfurled corner holding the memories of our precious moments together.
From the dawning of today, I sensed an uneasiness…something was amiss…the calmness within me was dull…darkened by the inevitable pain that was slowly searing into the cores of my inner being.
There was this wound in my heart that I just would not let heal. A tiny scab that I scratched upon incessantly. Something dark was looming in the depths of my mind, like whisperings from the shadowy nights of my wits, cajoling me to spiral back to you. Something hurt deeply, when the call to prayer began after midday.
I opened the window to hear it. With each bellowing call, it echoed the disquieting truth…
Something is missing—it is you.
Your pin straight hair. Your warm embrace. Your soft kiss. Your sweet voice. You.

I can force the brightest of smiles and fake that I am not breaking…I can feign bravery and strength, but my soul feels bruised like tiny paper cuts on my finger-tips and forging happiness kills me more than acknowledging the truth— I miss you today.
I miss cuddling in your lap, my body so perfectly in sync with yours, like the yin-yang sign, me curving into my fetal position, you holding me in the womb of your warm embrace, sheltering me from the harshness of this cruel Universe. I miss the long conversations on anything and everything, our voices seeping happiness, for hours on end, the lilt and rhythm of our tones in perfect harmony to the thrilling beats of our ecstatic heartbeats. I miss telling you about my day—and listening carefully to the little beautiful details of your every minute. I miss those morning texts when you awoke, always ending with an “Aap ka” (Yours)…always with an “Aap ka”
I miss you today.
There are days where the severing of our bond of love becomes unbearable. The grief experienced comes flowing like hot molten lava burning every bit of progress made to get over you…The angst oscillates from a slight tremble, to a heavy tremor and then to a full on volcanic eruption of “ I couldn’t bear losing you”. A salty tear flows to my lips, causing an insufferable woe to pulsate through my veins, settling in my blood, causing my breaths to quicken to prevent the sudden gush of tears threatening to ruin my very expensive jet-black mascara and my very elevated ego— I just want you here. Next to me…entwining your fingers within mines…looking into my irises with those honey colored sad eyes, fully aware that I know that your inevitable betrayal is well-known, expected, and already anticipated, but nevertheless talking utter nonsense that always brought a shy giggle out of me.

I don’t need you to heal my pain with your appearance. I need this pain, I crave to be alone with it. I breathe for it, because it is the only way.
But my soul still aches for you, as always. Even though you refuse to allow yourself to feel it. Or see it. Or hear it. My arms reach out to you, but you are lost to the measureless distance, and my tender caress cannot break those cold and stony walls you have erected to protect your individual sanity.
For a devious twinkling, I attest to feeling your light kiss brushing upon my lips, I think I feel you reminiscing about me, but I am a fool…That won’t happen. All that lingers in the warm afternoon breeze is the well-known familiarity of an empty future devoid of your presence.

As the call to prayer ends, an excruciatingly painful 5 minutes afterwards, I breathe in the humid and arid weather, gulp a lungful of air, and shut the window to return to my day.
As long as I have some life within me, I have to live. There is poetry to write, mail to sift through, dinners to plan, holidays to dream about. I need to carry on with my day. Even though I am broken. Even though I bleed. Even though I hurt.
As long as I have a soul, I must subsist. The day will still turn into night even if you are not around.
I know deep down, I tried. I tried so hard. I tried too hard. I tried until I was devoid of any love and respect for me, until I was destitute of any self-integrity and credibility, until I was barren off any empathy for myself—until I was left without even a little globule of self-love. I tried until I couldn’t bear anymore apathy from you. I just couldn’t tug the strings of your heart any longer without breaking and choking both of us in the process. I could not pull you towards me any longer. I was holding tightly onto a cord that was already severed by you.
And what can I say, that is what you wanted. So, I let go…our sudden parting was the death of my will to live. I lost my will to live. I just wanted to die.
And today, after all these years, it still hurts like hell. The wound still exists—open and hemorrhaging endlessly. My body feels like I have purposefully injected sweet poison into it and the only anti-dote is you. And I cannot pretend anymore that I do not think of you.

I miss you terribly. I miss you so much. I miss you an infinite amount more since the last time I missed you. This moment is dedicated to missing you. I had the honor of your love and I wish to treasure every precious memory because you meant the Universe to me and so much more. You were the light of my eyes (you still are), the soul to all my words, you were my person who taught me how to love with every fiber of my being, who believed in me, who encouraged me to be the best I could be, when no one else did, and for that, I am eternally indebted to you…so for all that,
I thank God I had the privilege of knowing you.
I won’t fake any happiness and pretend I don’t care. I don’t need to do that. I miss you right now, so much, more than a million people could miss their loved ones all together.
And this is it…It hurts me too. Just because I was silent, did not mean I was not breaking too. Just because I avoided you, did not mean I was not also terribly heartbroken by our circumstances. I am broken without you. I am hurt. I am empty. I can’t breathe, but I am okay. I am still alive with a heartbeat exuding the purest love…my grief is beautiful in so many ways—ominous, a perfect snow-drop surrounded by the melting rays of the morning sunlight but still radiating undeniable hope and divine beauty bearing testimony that this love will remain between us, even upon vaporizing into thin air.
So, this is it…yes, I weep every day for you, but each cherished tear glimmers with faith and loyalty, it emanates beauty, it breathes with the untouched chance of peace, of your future smiles yet to be admired, of our paths crossing magically by those “vis majors”, God so beautifully and carefully plans for us—I know we still have more sweet memories to make.
Even though these emotional scars wound me, facing them keeps me alive
I miss you today, moon of my life. No one loves you as much as I do
I miss you so much.
And I am okay.
Even though I am not okay.

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