I just unfriended half my FB friends and I feel WONDERFUL.

I’ve been feeling a bit unsettled lately, I mean, posting anything on Facebook, because my friends are all across the board on any topic which I might make comment on. Plus, I really looked at the posts on my feed and realized my time was being hijacked by people I barely knew.

It dawned on me: These aren’t my FRIENDS!

There were the scads of daily scathing Zen Buddhist posts from a woman I’d known twenty years ago, who was friends with my wife back when I was married. I realized now that I’d never had a single conversation with her. I mean, I remember her sitting at the table once when out with a big group of friends, so I guess that qualifies her to tell me endlessly how much she hates current politics, but in her heart, I am well aware, she forgives all, which she can do now without my help.

My neighbor from the sixth grade, whom I’d sold my mini-bike to, the exact opposite, uber Donald Trump lover, posting glowing statistics on the state of the U.S. economy and International relations: Unfriended.

And I’m telling you, there’s lots of certain friends who still love Hillary and Bernie Sanders and I myself got over it. Oh, and I posted that sentiment once, and the vitriol I got back in the comments from barely familiar faces, my my!

Then there’s this ultimate Christian chick, Republican, who’d asked me three years ago to speak to a group of her clients at her office an hour’s drive away. She offered no compensation other than a kind of nebulous publicity value, so I had declined, but for some reason I accepted her invitation to be FB friends. She must have inherited money because she is always at the beach, on some kind of a glorious luxury boat outing, with a different gloating male buddy every time, and there I am on my laptop, actually taking my time to contemplate the meaning of ethics.

Let’s see, there was the especially good friend to my former girlfriend, whom I actually felt more of a bond with her husband, before those two got divorced. She takes a trip to Italy every year with her new boyfriend, which takes up six months on my FB feed; three months of her anticipation, then two months of photos, plus a month of wishing she was back. Her good friend, not my FB friend, was a guy who cheated on me with my girlfriend, so I got to thinking about it—why am I keeping up with HER? Or she, me? Unfriended.

The cool guy who played in the band, who loves ‘80s rock, I kinda hovered over the unfriend button, unfriended.

Somebody posts about water toxicity in Flint, Michigan. Another about the horrific state of the ocean, plastic litter, food poisonings, while somebody else posts a photo of themselves eating raw oysters. Seriously, I just need to cut back on the random friend juxtapositions triggering my sensitive, caring craw into additional fear and loathing.

Good news! Somebody got a promotion. Do I know him?

There was the woman who lived down the street from us thirty years ago, who did so much to help my wife and I get along better when we first were married. Southern Baptist, she is. She’ll comment on my posts, scold me, for not believing so much (identical) as her for about these past twenty years. That one was a relief to let go, see ya in Heaven, friend.

You gotta wonder if some of these people are actually SPYING on you, and it’s in the back of your mind, then jumps to the forefront, once you start hitting the unfriend option repeatedly. Why is God’s name was I allowing her to continue judging me on FB for like YEARS? I mean, unfriending her didn’t even require me getting down on my knees and praying over it.

What relief!

College roommate, economics major. Married the girl of his dreams, got the job of his dreams, retired early. Owns a condo at the beach. Glorious photos of his family. After he friended me on FB, we discovered we both were going to be within minutes of each other on the same day, but then he got busy, couldn’t meet. We’d been super bonded buds in school, but I’d changed; he hadn’t. Unfriended. Be well.

Besides, he’s got over 1,155 friends. He will never miss my stupidity, probably wouldn’t barely notice I’ve left the room.

Then there were about a hundred people I had assumed had been my real life friends because I’d seen their posts for so long they’d become like family, but when I went back into my memory, I wasn’t sure if we’d ever met. One was just diagnosed with cancer, another is taking her daughter to camp, I see somebody’s lunch plate and it looks gooood. Never met them in person, I realize. Why have I been following their every move?

I’ve kept all family members and half the people I knew from high school/college; kept 2/3 of other, recent friends. The woman from senior year English who daily posts, asking others to repost, why do that? And posting, “Do you remember?” The Monkees? “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing,” commercials? Telephones with cords? Skiis made from wood? Unfriended.

Then there were all those FB friends having too much fun. Like all day long, all week, all year. Always out, selfies, just hard to believe life could be so amazing. Others posting links to every environmental crisis across the planet, which nobody has the time to read, let alone to do anything about, except to induce more uncontrollable feelings of helplessness. Then there’s the human tragedy post-ers, in your face, like it is their DUTY to keep us all informed so certain things will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Injustice. Poverty. CORRUPTION. Polar bears treading water. NEVER FORGET! I do appreciate it, but goodbye.

A couple of people I didn’t mean to unfriend, but I got the cursor placed wrong, hit the evil option, then saw I didn’t mean to do it, but oh well.

My total friend count went from 460 to 230 in like ten minutes. I went back on my feed and it seemed somewhat shiny, sparkly. The faces I saw were all people I remember and know in meaningful ways. So sweet! Post-away friends!

Then later I did other things I’ve been meaning to get done, like scrub my bathtub, shake rugs, sweep floors. I made lunch. You know, random stuff I’ll post about later on Facebook for people whom I believe really do care, but probably much don’t; yet we all love each other anyway.

Close enough.

More from this author: https://www.amazon.com/White-Anglo-Saxon-Male-Date-Scott-ebook/dp/B07D5ZTVJM/

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