I love you, I hate you: Breaking up a Narcissist.

Narcissist. Noun.

Nar-cis-sist.

An extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

Empath. Noun.

Em-path.

One who experiences the emotions of others: a person who has empathy for others.

I am an empath who recently ended my relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists are typically labeled as the dark counterparts to the light of empaths. Once I recognized what the relationship really was, I dived into the self-help articles for recovering empaths. I kept running into how awful it is for empaths and how much better it is to move on. So why am I still feeling connected? Why am I still feeling like I want to reach out and begin this all over again?

I found myself disconnected from the norm and misunderstood. I still love my narcissist. But how could I possibly love someone who put me through so much emotional turmoil? What was wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong. Not all narcissists are energy sucking evil humans. They are self serving, yes. They do know what to say to get you to do what they want, of course. Even though they take full advantage of an empath when one enters their lives, I now see this as an essential lesson for empaths.

As a young, naïve empath I let my optimism rule my interactions. No one could possibly have bad motives because everyone is inherently caring. Lacking boundaries and self-worth, I let people walk all over me while justifying their actions. I had endless excuses for why I had been treated badly, then allowing the same behaviors over and over. Somewhere inside I knew the vibe was off, but I couldn’t quite figure out why.

This is where I was when my narcissist found me. The perfect empath to take control of and manipulate for personal gain. I was instantly taken with him. He was charming, polite, and made me feel seen like no one had before. He built me up to be his very own energy source to tap into whenever he needed a hit and I unknowingly accepted.

He kept me at arm’s length and never allowed me to get closer. His boundaries were secure. I was meant to follow his rules while believing that maybe soon I’ll scratch the surface and finally feel the love that I knew he wanted to give. I just had to get through the layers and keep trying.

Deep down I believed that he couldn’t love me until he could trust that I wouldn’t break his heart. This fragile man needed my love and I would give it, unconditionally. Every step forward I made, he pushed me back five more steps. A never ending uphill climb. Until finally I stopped and realized — He didn’t want my love.

I needed to learn the brutal truth that not everyone wants to be saved. This is the beautiful teaching of narcissists.

A narcissist can’t genuinely love. If they were to love someone else, they would lose themselves. Their most prized possession is their grandiose sense of self.

They aren’t interested in losing themselves for you, or anyone else. There is no amount of love you can give that will heal a narcissist. They will use the love to fill their sense of importance and then dispose of it without conscious. Narcissists want to live their lives on their own terms and it’s necessary for an empath to understand this.

The harder an empath tries, the narcissist will combat the effort and leave the empath in submission.

This is the powerful lesson for empaths.

We are the creators of our own reality. We don’t need to keep forcing our love on people who will never reciprocate. Once we are able to recognize when our energy is being used detrimentally, we can put an end to the nights spent in a bathtub, sobbing and wondering why we once again were not good enough.

We have always been good enough. Some people just don’t want us, and that’s okay. We have nothing more to prove. We will try and fail but more importantly, we will begin to recognize when we are being used and not emotionally fulfilled.

Instead of losing ourselves trying to please another, we can finally return to ourselves and begin the healing process.

We don’t need to heal ourselves by putting the blame solely on the narcissist. They have taught us a valuable lesson by living their own truth. We can thank them for this growth opportunity, take what we’ve learned, and leave without looking back.

There is nothing wrong with either of our beings, we just are what we are.

I am grateful I was able to grow into an awakened empath through this experience and I will never regret the time I spent loving my narcissist.

But it’s time to let go.

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