Intro: Sleeping with a (ex) lover.

Four years down the line, after  four months of heartbreak and two weeks before I leave the country I find myself agreeing to sleep with my ex.

What entails one to be classified as an ex ? I hate the word “ex” it sounds so absolute. Its a word that automatically erases the entire relationship but how can someone be an an ex when just yesterday they were your best friend and lover? Sure the labels or relationship status now changes but you try telling your heart that the person its loving he is now suddenly your ex boyfriend, it means very little.

Our relationship has played out as one tragic romantic comedy drama that should have come with a trigger warning about mental health.  The universe has tested us throughout the years throwing anything and everything at us; we’ve been the envy of those who know us but also a complete enigma to everyone including ourselves. Surprisingly the uneventful distance is what lead to our demise. The uncertainty of when we would see each other again and realising that we can’t go on waiting for each other he made the sad and unexpected decision. So I shaved my hair, booked the trip to Thailand, a trip we were eventually going to do together, and tried desperately to accept the fact that I didn’t even get to say goodbye. However two weeks after the breakup in true universal irony he reappears back from sea on what would have been our monthly anniversary. Told you, stuff for the movies.

I was never ready to say goodbye, I felt that we never got the chance to be stupid carefree teens in love and we still have so much to experience together instead we were desperately trying to save each other from depression, addiction and manic breakdowns. Perhaps the universe was finally giving us the chance.

Fast forward four months later and two weeks before I leave on this solo travel and here we are agreeing that we are stable enough to sleep together. Why ? Because we miss each other, because why  “f*ck him out my system” with a complete stranger ( which really is not who I am) when I can do that with the actual him. In some way this is also a time for us to really just enjoy each other with out the complications and strings that came along with us being us. I still love him and think its ridiculous that we haven’t got back together but I finally do understand that I may have read the universe’s sign wrong. That all this obviously happened for some sort of reason.Maybe us sleeping together now is the universe letting me say goodbye to my past lover and best friend, to accept that no matter what happens these next two weeks I am leaving and he wants to stay.

I know this may not make sense to many of you hell it barely makes sense to us, as usual. Perhaps I am not respecting myself by being so easy and letting him get all the erks without the commitment , perhaps I am weak for settling for convenience, comfort and familiarity right in the place that ripped my heart out but having made the decision I feel more powerful and in control than I have felt for a very long time.

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