Looking out on the horizon. Heartbreak to the sound of breaking waves.

I can feel the sand beneath me as I stare out over the water, watching the sun set, listening to the waves crash against the shore. He is still right next to me but I feel utterly alone. Isn’t it amazing how you can feel alone even when you’re with the most important person in your life?

A thousand thoughts are running through my mind all at once and yet I can’t seem to grasp on to a single one of them. It shouldn’t be possible for my mind be racing and eerily still at the same time, right?

I’m so confused. How did we get here?

A mere 24 hours earlier we strolled along this very same stretch of beach in utter bliss and contentment. It felt like we were connected on every possible level – from celestial to cellular. Have you ever had your world turn on a dime?

As we meandered down the coastline the day before he had asked “what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking about how much I love you.” I reply.

“Me too” he says with a smile in his voice.

This was no ordinary “I love you” moment. After 18 months of traveling the 1100 mile distance back and forth including one failed attempt at a move that resulted in me returning to my home state for the time being, this moment had been hard won.

Finally, I was beginning to feel hope again. Hope that the ghosts from his past were finally being put to rest. We were going to be be able to make this work. All the effort and all the sacrifices were going to be worth it in the end!

The sunset was fast approaching so we sat down to take it all in. The sights, the sounds, and the sensation of our love washed over us. I laid my head gently on his right shoulder as we snuggled in close. It felt like nothing and no one could penetrate the protective bubble that our love surrounded us in. Couldn’t we just stay here like this forever?

We weren’t alone on the beach. Countless people walked by and smiled at us basking in the warmth of the glow our love was casting off. I’d wonder what they thought when they saw us but I didn’t have to. I knew they could feel what I was feeling. Pure bliss!

I took notice of one particular onlooker, a lovely petite woman with an ageless beauty. You know the kind; youthful in appearance but with a presence that exuded ancient wisdom. She and I smiled at one another as she passed by. Well, I’m pretty sure I was beaming already. I just happened to pointed my joy in her direction at that moment. She smiled in return and kept walking.

A moment later, she turned around and headed straight for us. “May I take your picture?” she asked.

Admittedly a little confused, we responded “Um, what for? for you? for us? We’re not tourists you know….” “

“For YOU!” she replied exuberantly.

She continued “You need to remember this moment….always. Because THIS is what love looks like….. But it also looks a lot like hard work. So you have to fight for it. Tell me you’ll fight for it!” 

There was clearly no way she was going to let us get away with not agreeing with her!

She meticulously positioned and posed us until she had just the shot she was looking for. When she was satisfied that she had captured something close to what she had witnessed, she handed us back the phone she had taken the photo on and gave us one last reminder to fight for our love. And as fast as she had shown up she disappeared down the beach.

After a moment or two, he says “That was an angel wasn’t it?” with awe in his voice. “Yes. Yes, it was” I respond “with a message that was clearly meant for us.”

We sat in stunned silence as we watched the sky change from blue to magenta to a deep purple with wisps of black that resembled a miniature galaxy it felt like you could reach out and touch.

“We are always going to remember this as the day our angel came to visit, aren’t we?” he says.

“Yes, we are” I agree.

So how exactly did we go from feeling as close as two people can feel, from being visited by an actual angel for heaven’s sake, to sitting next to each other in shell-shocked silence as I try to grasp what he is trying to tell me.

“I can’t do this. I don’t know who I am. I don’t have anything to offer you.” he cries.

“What are you talking about? Don’t you understand, I don’t need any of those things. All I need is you. I know who you are and I’ll keep reminding you until you remember too” I plead.

Somehow he can’t hear me and eventually I can’t hear him. The roar of my racing thoughts is deafening. Was he not here on this very same beach with me what feels like only moments ago?

Is he really not willing to fight his own demons in order for us to be together? Is the promise of a life of love not enough to make it worth exorcising the ghost that haunts him? Try as I might, I can’t do this part for him.

It’s as if he has reached into the sanctuary of my ribcage and in one swift motion pulled my heart straight out of my chest. As he holds it there in front of me dripping with rich warm wet crimson blood, I examine it, this heart of mine, more closely.

Did I not assure him enough to overcome his false sense of inadequacy? Was I not enough woman for him to shake the idealized version he has in his mind? Will I ever be able to love him enough to free him from the memory of the love he’s lost? The same love that caused him untold misery even before it tragically came to an end.

The answer to all of these is no. Not because I have fallen short. Not because I failed. Not because I am not good enough, thin enough, funny enough or social enough. But because when it comes down to it love alone is not enough.

Love is not in the grandiose gestures, the magnanimous sacrifices or the perfect couple facade. Love is in the quiet moments when you are just sitting, head resting gently on shoulder being fully present with one another. It’s in the choice you make over and over to show up and fight for one another. It’s in the choice to unburden your heart and release your past to make room for the other in there.

Love is a full contact sport that requires two committed souls. Committed to their own growth, committed to their own healing and committed to that commitment together.

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