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Mother daughter moments

1 Heart it! Alanna Rose 44
November 7, 2018
Alanna Rose
1 Heart it! 44

Mother daughter moments

 

When I say “I’ll try”

She says no you won’t..

I see her as saying “You’ll only disappoint”

 

When I say “I love you”

She says i love you too

I see her as saying “You wouldn’t if you really knew me”

 

When I say “I hope your choices are good”

And she nods and smiles

I see her as saying “Don’t tell me what to do”

 

When I say “I’ll give you whatever you need to be happy”

She says i wish i knew what that was

I see her saying “I wish I knew what that was”

I wish I knew what that was too.

 

When I say “How are you feeling today”

She says i’m fine

I see her saying “I’m smothering in anguish but it’s easier to not try to explain it again”

I wish she would continue to try

 

When I say “I can’t let you dump your pain on me, please let me help”

She blocks me from her phone

 

So I find within me words of comfort to fend off the despair and fear

I think of the times that I have been at my absolute worst

The time I almost died under the hands of my kin

The times I had to hold myself stoic to lessen the blows

The times I stood crying with no choice but to move forward

The times I had to forgive those who harmed me for the sake of my own sanity

The times I watched those whose flesh was formed from mine slice through it

The times I wondered too if absolute darkness would perhaps remove the pain

The times my curiosity to achieve the happy ending made me not reach for the shortcuts

 

The times that I realized that the soul has an absolute mission and I’m only allowed to know and experience my own, I can only pray for hers with all my heart.

 

I realize that this girl comes from the same hardy stock. She has intellect, guile, stamina and a will to survive. I have to have faith in the strength of my baby girl to make it through what she’s going through, and accept whatever happens while doing my best every moment I can to just keep sending love to her through my own challenges.

 

My sweet baby girl-

I have to have faith that you can pull yourself through every time the curtain slams down

Like I try, can we learn together?

I  have to believe that you have the will to see the beauty in this world that you haven’t yet seen

Can I see them with you?

 

I have to believe that if I envision you 80 years in the future having experienced a fulfilling life

That serves me better than the scenes of you in a coffin that keep infiltrating my psyche, pictures slamming into my thoughts when I’m not looking.

I am, and will always be here, trying to stay positive and envisioning us rebuilding our family one attempt at a time.

 

I love you.

 

Mom

 

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1 Heart it! Alanna Rose 44
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