Pain beckons when consciousness seeks to expand. When everything in life is seemingly headed in a workable manner, towards a solid and planned destination, something inevitably comes in and poof! Pain. Out of nowhere. Here it is. Big, profound, and sometimes, debilitating. Once that happens, things shift quickly. Change. It’s always consistent and reliable.
Pain can come suddenly and without warning. Something unexpected within the environment ignites a traumatic memory, triggering the inner feelings of hidden, yet explosive fear, which seeks to destroy, once lured to the surface. This happens to me sometimes. It happens to people I know. According to Kabbalah, this is why I was brought Kabbalah.
I do not have a lot of memories of my childhood because of the traumas I experienced between ages 2 and 4. I have never been technically diagnosed with PTSD, but I know I have it. I prefer to stay out of western medicine, choosing rather to heal my mind through consciousness and trusting that my body will follow suit. Consequently, every one of the religions I have studied and practiced over the last 25 years, points to the theory, when we are spiritually healthy, our bodies follow.
As above, So below. This concept is proving itself legit.
While pondering this matter, I have been eating a watermelon and a thought of my grandparents, enters.
Watermelon reminds me of sitting on their patio, in Bailey, CO when I was a child. I can see my sawhorse eating by the chicken coop. I just fed him straw from the mountaintop and gave him a small treat of Indian paintbrush mixed with a little honeysuckle. He really loves that. I can smell the fresh saw dust and the sound of a running saw, down at my grandfather’s shop. I spit a seed, to see how far it can go. A trout jumps from the pond, the sun is beginning to set. The big rock where I sit and fish, has a plastic bowl teetering in the wind, if it falls it will spill the fish food I saved for tonight. I best run down and feed the fish now, before it spills and Herman, the spotted springer spaniel, gets into it. I will get in a lot of trouble if that happens. My grandparents don’t like it when Herman gets the fish food.
The only reason for pain, according to Kabbalah, is to reveal Light. Through the wound, is where the Light enters. According to the Zohar, an ancient Aramaic text, Kabbalah is specifically for the broken hearted. As much as I have healed and continue to heal, my heart has been and still is, broken regularly. However, when I remember my grandparents home, in the light at which I did above, a noteworthy testament to this wisdom, is revealed.
Overall my grandparents were hurt people. And as we all know, hurt people, hurt people. In their defense they both grew up in a really tough time period; WWII and the depression were experiences they shared. Unfortunately they lived within those thoughts and memories and their experiences, shared within our family dynamics; and so the family karma wheel turned, until I came along. I am here to break the pattern. So, I am.
Inner Child Meditation
This mediation was taught to me by Dr. Stanley Kripner; a Shamanic Scholar of worldly knowledge, while I was in graduate school. The class was “Inner Mystic Healing” as through Indigenous Traditions.
PLEASE NOTE: Trauma is relative and it doesn’t matter what happened to cause it. It only matters that you felt it. Trauma is being lost in a grocery store or a mall, it is feeling ignored when something important happens and no one seems to care, it is being yelled at by an angry parent, it isn’t just sexual, its mental, emotional, physical. It’s pain, plain and simple.
You will need: A notebook and a pen.
In your mediation place, find your earliest childhood memory
Scan the memory and move forward in time, connecting the memories.
Scan slowly and deliberately. When you arrive at a painful memory, stop.
Write it down in as few words as possible and start again.
Continue until you are in current time. This could take awhile if you have copious trauma. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.
Once your list is made, mediate on each event separately.
Begin then to authentically identify where and how to soothe yourself.
You could walk, or pick up a hobby. You could buy a Barbie doll. You could throw one away. What we do to soothe is personal and varies for everyone. I would love to know what everyone else is doing, if you care to share.
The point of this meditation is not to dwell on the moments where there was pain, but rather, catalog them in a manner the subconscious mind can manage.
You may have many moments of trauma, or you may have few. It really doesn’t matter. If we have unhealed trauma, we are sharing it in the world, somehow. We have to heal ourselves and then the world will heal with us.
It took many years for me to find and just now communicate, for the first time ever, a true and real happy memory of my early childhood. Before I began connecting with the Zohar, although I could feel I had healed, the memories would always take me back the moments of wounding; I would feel the pain when the memory resurfaced. Healed or not, there was still pain. Now however, as I have shown through the spontaneous and surprising memory recall, about watermelon, my grandparents somehow sparked a loving and wonderful memory. This truly says so much for the work I have been doing. I’m so grateful.
Clearly, inner child work is a forever process. Maybe, when the inner child grows up, we cease to really live. How wonderful are the times between the fears, where I am filled with sensations only a handmade saw horse, can provide. Although play is not something I know how to do very well, (there was literally a saying in my family; “there will be no fun”). I sit here and eat this watermelon, remembering it’s ok to flip off my ego; subsequently, reveling in the creative and cathartic moment I just had with my grandparents.
For a little while longer I will self-sooth by spitting watermelon seeds, while I quietly imagine my sawhorse eating.
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