one single moment may come when you can see a hole in the blanket of darkness. The light has crept through and it will look like hope.

http://<blockquote class=”instagram-media” data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=”https://www.instagram.com/p/BU51h4sgKmM/” data-instgrm-version=”8″ style=” background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% – 2px); width:calc(100% – 2px);”><div style=”padding:8px;”> <div style=” background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:37.4537037037037% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;”> <div style=” background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAABGdBTUEAALGPC/xhBQAAAAFzUkdCAK7OHOkAAAAMUExURczMzPf399fX1+bm5mzY9AMAAADiSURBVDjLvZXbEsMgCES5/P8/t9FuRVCRmU73JWlzosgSIIZURCjo/ad+EQJJB4Hv8BFt+IDpQoCx1wjOSBFhh2XssxEIYn3ulI/6MNReE07UIWJEv8UEOWDS88LY97kqyTliJKKtuYBbruAyVh5wOHiXmpi5we58Ek028czwyuQdLKPG1Bkb4NnM+VeAnfHqn1k4+GPT6uGQcvu2h2OVuIf/gWUFyy8OWEpdyZSa3aVCqpVoVvzZZ2VTnn2wU8qzVjDDetO90GSy9mVLqtgYSy231MxrY6I2gGqjrTY0L8fxCxfCBbhWrsYYAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;”></div></div> <p style=” margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;”> <a href=”https://www.instagram.com/p/BU51h4sgKmM/” style=” color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;” target=”_blank”>Edge of Earth #albuquerquenewmexico</a></p> <p style=” color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;”>A post shared by <a href=”https://www.instagram.com/paperdollproblems/” style=” color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px;” target=”_blank”> Lisa Kindrick???</a> (@paperdollproblems) on <time style=” font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px;” datetime=”2017-06-04T04:08:35+00:00″>Jun 3, 2017 at 9:08pm PDT</time></p></div></blockquote> <script async defer src=”//www.instagram.com/embed.js”></script>Real depression is a beast of darkness that does not discriminate. I can only speak from my experience because I think each person’s suffering is infinitely unique. What I believe you should know is that there is a hellish place where no positive words or “thoughts and prayers” can find us. See, it creeps in like a thief and cloaks every crevice of your mind with a blanket so thick it blocks out all the light.

You might feel like you’re stumbling in a dark room, arms outstretched, trying to feel your way to the door, and there is no door. This kind of depression comes to destroy your self-worth, your will, and eventually it will try to take you from your life. It convinces you that you and “it” have become one. It will not go without a fight. So, that “you” that has no name, face, body, or identity, will be your greatest defense. You might have met this “you” through meditation or some divine accident. That “you” is part of the army you will need to fight this monster.

First, you will have to fight. I repeat, YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT or you will not survive. You were born to win this one! Some days, fighting means putting on your shoes or taking a shower. Some days it means simply picking up the phone. To win this battle, you will need an army. The “you” inside will help you find your army. But, again remember, you will also have to fight to assemble this army.

This will be a most difficult task. You will need one person, any person, who will love you when you haven’t showered, or eaten, or even made an effort to do a single thing for them. This person may be someone you’d least expect. This person must be able to allow you to suffer, able to sit with you for hours and allow you to cry or sleep, able to just “be” without being phased or overly emotional. They don’t have to know what to do, and they can’t try to “fix” you. You are not broken. You are tired.

Then, you’ll have to find a team of at least two mental health professionals. First, find a doctor who will listen and work WITH you to make a strategic battle plan. Do not trust the doctor who simply throws pill after pill at you to get you running out the door. Listen to your body, your gut. Ask questions and read books.

Next, you’ll need a therapist, because no one in your life can look at your overwhelming situation objectively like this person. THIS part of your army will be the MOST difficult to find. Keep fighting, they will show up. Sometimes, you will find yourself in the ER. It’s ok. You’re fighting a war. You will have injuries. Go to the ER even if you don’t have insurance or money, because your life is worth more than all the money you’ll ever be able to earn.

Especially if you’ve suffered for years and have gotten so good at hiding it, you know the lingo “high-functioning”, you may have to speak your truth. Not many will even suspect that you’ve become this fatigued and defenseless because “you’re the strong one”. Your voice may shake.

You will have to tell several trusted friends and family members that you are sincerely in pain. Some of them will abandon post. They may not understand or be well enough themselves. Most will tell you they love you and offer advice that does absolutely no good. But, you will fight and thank them with what little energy you have left because you’ve been fighting for SO, SO long. This army will be your frontline until you are stronger and rested and ready to face this mega-monster with bravery and force.

There will be dark, long, lonely nights, You will cry out to a God you might not even believe in, you will feel as though you are screaming from the most remote cave and NO ONE can hear you. They do. They just don’t know what to do all the time. You will claw and climb and scream and cry and cry some more, but you have an army, when you get tired, you must call them. And, one moment, one single moment may come when you can see a hole in the blanket of darkness that the light has crept through and it will look like hope. It is HOPE! Cling to it. Grab the blankets and pull and pull and pull until dawn is coming through the window in your room. For me, I was blessed (blessed because there is no other word) with a vision. Maybe from sleepless delirium, but it doesn’t matter. It was profound.

I had assembled my army. They were standing guard and doing all they could, but I couldn’t fight hard enough. One very long, sleepless night, I was screaming in silence, “Where are YOU? Why have you left me here? Where is my light? Who took it? It’s gone! I am nothing but this darkness.” The only answer I got, at first, was a memory of a song I learned as a child. It was insignificant in every way until that moment. I repeated the words, “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine…” over and over.

For nearly an hour or more I repeated those words like a mantra. At once, I felt a bewildering tiny flicker in my chest. (I don’t care how crazy I sound. Remember, this is MY experience. Yours will be different.) The flicker grew and light poured into me and surrounded me and can only be described as PURE LOVE. I was embraced and this light filled the darkness of my room. My grandmother’s words (Aunt Theresa’s presence was right there with her) were almost telepathically (there are no words in my vocabulary that can describe this accurately) communicated to me. “Don’t be silly, you are so loved. I’m saving a seat right next to me for YOU. You go to work. You have a purpose. Your light is always on, in fact you ARE the light. Kindle your light. Love them. Love them all. That’s all you have to do. That’s your only job here.” I felt peace like I’d never known before. I could have bathed in this lightness and love forever. But, of course, it faded and in complete awe I just exhaled relief. I didn’t try to explain logically what had happened. It changed me and that’s all that matters.

I knew what I needed to do. I had to face the causes and effects of my depression. I had to have hard conversations. I had said and done horrible things in my pain. I lost so much and so many I loved. I needed to apologize and at the same time forgive myself. I had to do life with bravery and walk like thunder. I kept working with my army. Eventually, I was excited to be alive and so glad I didn’t give up. I was SO thankful to be alive, I didn’t want to sleep, I had been asleep for years!

It’s scary to tell people the whole story. It’s a long story. It was a long fight. I hope if you feel the grip of this kind of depression that you can keep fighting until you’re ready to tell me your story. I can’t wait to hear it. See, time is irrelevant. There will be days that feel like years and weeks that feel like days.

When, you win, because YOU WILL WIN, if you keep fighting, it will seem like you’ve learned a lifetime of lessons and the time will seem like a blip. Your stature will be that of giants. You will also feel other’s pain so deeply it will be difficult. You will be a testimony of human resilience and fortitude. It will be worth the fight because you will help others.

If you “can’t understand how someone could take their life”, you have not been there. I hope you never find yourself in that place. Those who quit fighting, may have needed an army. Maybe they couldn’t find them. Maybe you can be someone’s soldier, if you’re strong enough. Maybe you can sit with them. Maybe you can recruit others.

It hurts to feel so much pain in our world right now. It’s everywhere I look and so many are suffering and losing the things they’ve fought so hard to win. I sometimes have to distance myself from people. Sometimes, I’m tired and I know I’m not the pillar they need. I can’t allow myself to fall into their sadness, so I do what I know I can and understand they’ll have to do the rest.

But, I truly believe, if we all help when we are strong enough, that no one will be left without an army. Ultimately, you can’t fight anyone else’s battle with depression. Know, they need allies, but don’t try to be their savior…you alone cannot. However, a collective WE can stand next to them on their frontline even if they won’t or can’t ask (sometimes they ask without words). We can ALWAYS say, “I see you fighting. Keep going.”

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