Q&A With Peter Ralston: Consciousness Work in Relationships and Loneliness

Expert and pioneer of consciousness work in San Francisco, Peter Ralston’s newest book, Consciousness Dialogues, addresses 150 of those thought-chatters and questions that come out of our consciousness when our minds are at work.

He believes that consciousness work includes having a direct experience of the absolute truth, or “enlightenment.” It involves engaging in Zen-like contemplation to understand our nature and reality while also investigating the mind, self, and all aspects of human existence.

Ralston says Consciousness Dialogues “introduces a cast of characters from all different stages and levels of development. The question-and-answer letters are real, culled from thousands of exchanges that took place over the course of sixteen years, beginning in 1998 when I made myself available to students by email.”

These questions and answers are adapted from Consciousness Dialogues by Peter Ralston © 2018.

1. Change within a relationship

Peter,

I experience the process of looking behind patterns of behavior and emotions and finding a “bottom-line” as a liberating one. I also find it to be a good process to discover solutions to problems in a relationship, simply because it helps to address the problems on a more honest level, and communicating the real stuff can actually make a difference.

But what do I do when my partner in the relationship refuses to take on the same process? What if my partner experiences her patterns and feelings as fixed facts, as the way she is, without any possibility or responsibility in the matter?

Often I end up by simply adapting myself to weird and eccentric character traits, but that doesn’t feel right after a while. I have the feeling that I miss something here, but I don’t quite get what it is.

Klaus

Klaus,

You can’t change anyone else. You can communicate and invite and request, you can even demand, but in the end if your partner doesn’t agree, you are left with what you get.

If you can’t live with it then you will have to leave. If you go this route because she can’t or won’t make a change in her agreements about being in relationship, then you can’t be with that person. However, if that isn’t the way you want to go, and still no communication or request works, then you need to work on yourself to fully allow her to be the way she is and learn to live with it.

You can relate to it however you wish—you can let it be and not engage with it at all, learn to enjoy it, ignore it, study it, use it toward some end, or choose some other form of relating. But in your heart you need to get that her actions and behavior are not yours nor your responsibility. You can’t change her; only she can. So learn to let it be, or move on.

Peter

2. Confronting Loneliness and Isolation

Mr. Ralston,

I recently went through a separation with my wife of three years, and it has been a difficult transition going from a house to a one-bedroom apartment by myself.

Although I enjoy having time for study and contemplation, I still feel alone. Even in my martial arts journey and the great people I have encountered, I can really share with them only a superficial exchange of techniques and maybe a little philosophy. I feel a need to communicate with people on a different level. Is this normal?

John 

John,

I understand what you are talking about. It isn’t just being alone; it is the loneliness of separation from one you were close to. This is an emotional issue. When we get married, we become attached to another person. Our self begins to include their self, so when you become separated from them, it can feel quite realistically like some of your self has been lost. This provides a painful experience until you have enough time to re-create what you identify as your self again.

It is also an opportunity. Since you are now motivated to enact some change, even if it’s only because the current circumstance is painful, you are more likely to seriously take on new things. Since you’re in the process of recreating your self to some degree, you might as well move that effort in a freeing direction.

People have no idea how much they’re not only concerned with the “other” but how much they are actually crafted and exist in relation to others. Our minds are, in large measure, a function of language, and language is all about being connected to others in one way or another. Being separated from another can be painful; feeling separated from all others not only tends to elicit panic but also forces you to confront yourself in a very different way. People will go to great lengths to avoid this. The fact that you’re going to be completely alone when you die is your deeply ignored destiny, so it’s best to discover what you really are before then. Ignoring your painfully boring lonely self isn’t going to help you get to the absolute truth.

Good luck,

Peter

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