Women are often socialised to put everyone’s needs before their own.
Even before we have the responsibility of being wives & mothers, society places great value on how much we do for others and how caring we are. Unfortunately, such social conditioning often comes at the expense of our personal boundaries, goals that we are trying to achieve and most importantly our sense of self and what makes us really happy.
At some point, you may even identify as a people pleaser. You find it difficult to say no and when you do you are overcome with feelings of guilt and feel the need to explain yourself (which by the way you don’t).
FUNNILY ENOUGH THIS CYCLE OF PEOPLE PLEASING ACTUALLY LEAVES YOU LESS ABLE TO HELP THE VERY PEOPLE YOU WANT TO SUPPORT.
How comes? Because, naturally as you aim to please other people you bury your own needs to the ground, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and sometimes resentful. How supportive can you really be, whilst carrying such toxic energy around?
Whilst people pleasing, you may simultaneously harbour feelings of resentment against others, feeling like you do so much but get so little in return. Whilst they are definitely instances when people are behaving selfishly and are taking advantage of your niceness, you must take responsibility for what you allow yourself to do. You can not blame anyone else for protecting their boundaries, just because you don’t. A key part of self care is knowing what your boundaries are, which at first may seem easy enough. However, as you dig into understanding more of yourself you will find that there are many things that you do habitually without taking the time to assess how they impact on your mental and physical health.
Continuing a cycle of people pleasing will leave you emotionally drained because you spend so much time supporting, listening and doing for others that you neglect yourself. Ultimately, leaving you very unhappy.
Part of self care is realising that you can not save everyone and be there for anyone 100% of the time, nor are you obliged to be anyone’s emotional clutch. Feeling responsible for other people and their happiness is a fast way to lead a very disappointing life. Why? Because just like your happiness should not depend on anyone or thing ,neither should theirs!
When you start to consciously look at all the things in your life that you do out of guilt or out of feeling responsible for how the other person feels you will start to uncover some mental baggage that you could certainly do without. Wouldn’t it be great to use some of that mental space to do something that truly fulfils you and brings you closer to experiencing life in the best possible way? And in turn, influence and impact all of those people you love with your newfound freeness, strength and not to mention self-respect?
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Well said Raimah – we need to take care of ourselves first so that we are physically and mentally capable of caring for others – if we allow ourselves the right to do this we will have no reason to feel resentment when the people in our lives require our help because we will be ready and able to provide that help – taking the time for self care is not a selfish act – it is the only way that we can be there for others when they really need us – great post – cheers – Rich