Strength Through Heartbreak

We’ve all been there before. You meet the one and you swear that you will never have to spend one day without this phenomenal being. You make plans, you have dreams, hopes and aspirations. You put more effort into your relationship than your day to day life. You are consumed in your own little perfect bubble, hoping that there is not tiny hole waiting to let your air out. And then it happens; that perfect little bubble bursts. No explanation. No warning. No answers.

You go through the many stages of a relationship demise. The anger, where you want to burn everything that that same perfect one touched or even breathed on. Where you break every single thing they gave you and want to dress the homeless man down the block in all his Gucci. Where you break his bong and melt his hair brush just for some sort of validation.

Then here comes good ol’ denial. This could not have just happened. He did not break up with me! He did not leave me! He is the most perfect being in the world and there will never be someone that will love and treat me the way that he did! Mind you, this same one just broke your heart for essentially no reason, and he was not sometimes the nicest human to you; but whatever we look over that, cause the one, duh!

Just as Lassie never leaves your side, depression shows up like that rotten sweater your Aunt made you that you must tote out every holiday looking oh so ridiculous in! Depression, she is a long-time gal. She hangs around and creeps up on you as if she is your shadow. She doesn’t want to let the air get into you because with air, your thoughts could possibly become clear.

Lastly, the final contestant on the broken-hearted game appears; acceptance. She is a powerful being. Strong. Gifted. Content. Confident. You get that extra spring back in your step. You remember what lipstick is and how it feels to shower regularly. You have that glow, that sexy is back!

While we go through these stages of grief over a relationship ending, some coping skills are handy, while others are self-destructive. I chose to put pen to my emotions and the pain flows through me like a white-water rafting excursion. There are highs, and they are really high, but those lows, boy do they just knock me on my feet. Getting out of bed is unbearable. Taking his jammies off to put on a socially acceptable business casual outfit and head into the corporate job with a smile on my face is downright Oscar worthy. I find myself soaking every piece of clothing in his ungodly cologne that smells like heaven, chocolate and him; oh, sweet him.

But, I find solace in the pen and paper. I find comfort in my own words and thoughts. I steer away from the theatrical memories that I have replaying in my mind, the movie making magic that I have created. My own personal version of The Notebook meets The Last Song meets Gone With The Wind; minus the whole damsel in distress, but heavy on the Southern Sass.

This is how I coped with the loss of the love of my life. He did not leave me in a normal fashion. I left him. I chose his happiness over my own happiness and for that I will be eternally grateful to me. He needs to grow and figure out how to make himself happy. He made me swimmingly happy, but no matter what I did, I could not satisfy that sweet tooth in him. Happiness is that sweet tooth. It is that piece of cake that makes you salivate and hate yourself all at the same time. It is that song that you hear when it is your birthday and it was in his eyes I found my happiness.

In his absence, I found comfort in finding me, and apparently me is a sass mom that likes to kick and punch stuff. I found me again in my second home, a kickboxing gym, being yelled at by skilled trainers that are easy on the eyes. I found my strength and my voice with every roundhouse and hook. I found a new love of exercise and a craving for strength that I wear proudly.

I no longer feel empty and broken. I feel strong and accomplished. I mourned the loss of arguably the most important man in my life. I can breathe again. I have stopped crying most days and I smile somewhat the same. I don’t know if he is my forever, but for now I read this poem I wrote for him every day to remind me where I was when it all ended. To remind me where I am not anymore. I am not broken. I am not lacking. I am me and that is ok.

I am broken.

I am empty.

I am lost.

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am miserable.

I am searching;

For you. In everything I see.

In everything I feel.

You are gone.

I cannot reach you.

I cannot feel you.

I cannot touch you.

I cannot get you off my mind;

And I don’t want to.

I want to let you simmer there, safe.

My memories intact and beautiful.

Of laughter and love and our happiness.

When I have a quiet moment,

I close my eyes…

And I can feel your arms around me.

Your breath on my neck.

You voice whisper in my ear.

My stomach tenses,

And I am in your arms;

For one brief second.

And I wish I could stay in that moment.

I wish I could freeze time.

This perfect moment.

I wish I could bring you to me.

I would tell you all the things.

The things I love about you.

The things I hate about you.

The things you do that make me feel your love.

I would grab you and kiss you.

Kiss you so tenderly, lovingly.

Savoring every taste your mouth has to give.

Breathing you in.

Connecting our bodies into one.

I would put my hand on your face,

Memorizing every angle,

Every line and pore.

Re-familiarizing your skin with my touch.

I would briefly pull away,

Just so I could stare into your eyes.

Feeling how deep they gaze into my soul.

Embracing how you see me,

Not who I thought I was.

I would taste you again.

This time harder and more passionately

As if it was the last drop you had to give.

We are not alone.

A single, solitary tear soldiers through the bliss,

Only to run down my cheek like a coward.

How dare this tear show up now,

In this moment of seduction and love.

How dare my emotions try and overtake what feels so magical?

The lonely tear flows down my cheek,

Ever so slowly and intently.

It brought fear with it.

Will this be the last time I feel your lips?

Will this be the last time I taste you?

Will you go away and never return?

Will you ever truly love me?

Will you ever find that I am enough?

That I am it for you…

Because you are it for me.

Am I alone in my surety?

Am I alone in my love?

Forever…

That word seems like a lie now.

Like an unattainable feat.

It contains so much promise and power.

Promise for a lifetime together

A future full of laughter and love.

Power to sway even the most skeptical.

Power to destroy hopes and fears with one use.

Ringing in the ears of the listener.

Love…

A word thrown around like confetti,

But the most desired of all words.

The only word that can comfort and destroy.

The only word everyone craves hearing.

I open my eyes

And reality sets in.

That thief.

Stealing my vision of perfection.

You are not holding me.

You are not here.

You are not kissing me.

You are not mine.

And just like that…

That one lonely tear

Brought an Army of friends

All ready to soldier through with me and fight the good fight.

A symphony of tears.

Singing to their own tune.

They brought high notes and low notes

And my breathing can’t keep up with the flow

And it becomes erratic.

I gaze forward

Hoping that I could dream again

Hoping that I would be able to stare far enough into you being there

Walking towards me

Smiling.

Strong and handsome.

That crinkle in your eye that lights up your face

My drug.

Your smile.

I breathe in deeply,

All the thoughts wash over me.

Memories.

Smiles.

Laughter,

Love.

Tenderness.

Anger…

SAY SOMETHING!

TALK TO ME!

Let me hear your voice.

My ears crave it.

Tell me we will be ok.

Tell me you’re still here.

Tell me you still love me.

Tell me you did love me.

Tell me you are mine.

Forever.

Love.

Say anything at all.

Just let me talk to you.

Explain me.

Let me understand you.

Us.

Show me that loving you was not a mistake.

That it was as beautiful as it felt.

Show me who I know you are.

Not who you’ve been.

Not who you pretend to be.

The man that laid with me in his arms,

Learning about love languages.

The man that asked how to love me,

And did it the way I asked.

The man that would do anything to make me smile.

The man that put on a hoodie to make his insecure woman feel secure.

The man that doesn’t care what I look like,

He cares how I treat him.

How I make him feel.

How beautiful my insides are.

The man that was so tender to me and loving.

The man that sang to me

The man that joked with me.

The man that innocently loved me.

Even when he didn’t intend to.

That man, that is the man I love.

That is the man that I need.

That man is my drug.

That man is my addiction.

That man is the itch I can’t scratch.

That man is my forever.

That man is gone…

Forever.

Taking with him,

Love.

Memories.

Laughter.

Happiness.

Leaving me empty and broken.

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