Struggles of an Undergraduate Degree in a Foreign Country – Coping with Self-doubt and Separation Anxiety.

As I boarded the plane on my flight back home from Ankara, thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. My first year in university seemed to have passed by in a flash, yet I was left with an abundance of memories and a bittersweet feeling as I looked back at each of them. To say there were some tough times is an understatement. Simply put, it was exasperating.

Studying abroad for a higher education had been a dream of mine since childhood and seeing my cousins and close friends do this had only strengthened my desire to fulfill this goal. They would all come back with endless stories of the new environment, different cultures, new places, and the entire learning experience in general. When choosing Bilkent University to pursue architecture, I kept all their advice in mind. I went forth with a positive approach, thinking about how much I would be able to grow as a person and enjoy living independently. The one thing my privileged upbringing never allowed me to consider was the difficulty I would face in trying to achieve all this.

Of course, I knew that there would be some hurdles along the way. However, the thought was immediately dismissed, and I would convince myself to power through. Things such as small dorm rooms, shared bathroom and tiny kitchen were easily overlooked. I also didn’t mind the long walks to and from each class. I assured myself that sharing a dorm with several other students would help build friendships and walking around campus would help me stay healthy. “Positive thoughts only!” –  I’d keep saying to myself. It was when classes started that I was in for disappointment.

To my dismay, most of the locals spoke only Turkish, and made little effort to communicate with international students in English. In my department, there was a very small percentage of international students. When we were further divided into sections for different courses, I often found myself allotted with a batch of Turkish students only. Although the instructors always made it a point to give lectures in English, the students felt more comfortable discussing them among themselves in Turkish. I soon realized that making friends would be harder than I imagined.

Despite the language barrier, I told myself that this would serve as an opportunity for me to focus more on studies and work in class. With that attitude, my semester was off to a good start. However, understanding the new system was another major adjustment. Soon enough the daily quizzes, assignments, presentations and homework began to feel like a massive burden. For the first time ever, I found myself pulling all-nighters to complete and submit work on time. It felt as though I was trapped in an endless cycle of lagging behind and constantly trying to catch up with the workload.

The course work coupled with my own chores made it even harder to manage living alone. Thinking about tasks such as doing laundry, washing dishes, buying groceries or cooking used to sound easy before. However, having to do all that alongside studying and sleeping well, became next to impossible. I was told numerous times that the first year would be the toughest in terms of adjusting, and that everything would get easier afterwards. Sure enough, living by myself in a foreign land and in a completely new environment was a difficult job. Yet I felt more demotivated each day.

Perhaps that is what brings me to the biggest difficulty I faced that year – an internal struggle. I knew many people before me faced stress or pressure in some way or the other. As much as I tried to fight it myself, there were days where I felt completely exhausted and inadequate, because nothing seemed to be going right.

It was around that time that I went back to my dorm one day, when a friend of mine stopped me to sit with her for a while and grab a bite. She sensed something was wrong, and asked me about it, until tears welled up from my eyes and I finally let it out, trying as hard as I could to word my feelings coherently. She sat with me for about an hour afterwards, consoling me and telling me never to give up, believe in myself and to never doubt my self-worth. Her words gave me immense relief, as she made me realize that I did have people who cared about me as much as family, even a thousand miles away from home.

Through her, I also got into contact with many students there that were from my home country, Pakistan. I had already heard that Turkey was home to many Pakistanis, but I did not expect so many of them to be present there with me. I was relieved to find people with whom I could comfortably converse in my mother tongue and truly be myself around.

A smile formed across my face, as I sat thinking about that difficult time in the plane. Looking back, I’d say that my first year taught me a lot about myself and my life. I understood the importance of perseverance, and self-care. I learnt that everyone would have to face tough times, sooner or later. The tough times may eventually come to an end, but the fighting spirit remains forever. It is not the studies that seem less hard now, but the strength to overcome any obstacle that makes everything much easier. My struggles have taught me that eventually, everything will be okay.

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