Ten Teaching Points for Infants to Teens.

Ten Teaching Points for Infants to Teens

I raised three children, one boy, and two girls now adults, one of whom has just given me my first grandchild, all of three weeks old, who is now giving me pause to reflect on what I taught his mother, the good things I did and the mistakes I made.

I plan on playing a big part in raising my grandson and this introduces me to my first “teaching point,” begin right away.

1:) Don’t wait to teach: Infants begin learning from the moment of their first breath. When my grandson, Moksha, was born the doctor told me that infants are extremely aware of sounds. But, more than that, they begin learning right away. If we fully appreciate infants learning capability we might choose more carefully what we say.

Marie Montessori was the biggest proponent of infant learning and was the first to give clinical “proof.” In one example she sites a mother and father who gave birth to their child in France but moved to Australia when the child was three months old. The child was not yet speaking then, but when it did begin to speak, at about six months, the baby spoke as much French as English.

Takeaway: Treat all children, regardless of age, like little adults. Being childish and clownish in our interaction with little babies, though almost impossible to resist, should be resisted, if we want to have our little bundle’s best interest in mind. Montessori advocated speaking adult language to all children, infant on up, even when the vocabulary is not there. It is OK to say to a one month old, “let us go for a walk outside, enjoy the fresh air, look at the trees, and maybe see a squirrel. You might even meet a little friend, just like you, who has newly arrived in the world.”

Speaking in meaningful ways, will later help our child think in meaningful sentences later on.

2) “Infants cannot be spoiled,” a lesson my daughter taught this new grandpa. I love my new job as grandpa and I am probably holding him as much as his Mom. But, the other day he got a little cranky, and instead of getting up (Moksha was on my lap) and going outside for one of the many walks we do each day, I decided to look at him cry. That’s when I got my well-deserved reprimand. It is still ringing in my ears, so lovingly said were those words.

Takeaway: Babies are Boss. If you don’t want to be a servant, you shouldn’t have kids.

3:) Avoid the word “don’t,” as children here it as “do”. I learned this lesson from a child psychologist who was a family friend and spent much time with our family. She explained that when you say to a child, “don’t go in the forest, or don’t go near the fire,” they here, “go into the forest, or go near the fire.” For children boundaries are a challenge, and who doesn’t like challenges? So, how do we present a prohibition in a way that gets the job done. The answer is surprisingly simple, frame what you wish to communicate in a positive way.

Takeaway: “Don’t” doesn’t work. We must be more skillful and come off in a way that doesn’t sound like an order. If we don’t want a child to do something, we can frame our demand in a question: “What do you think would happen if you went into the forest?” Or, “what do you think would happen if you went near the fire?” “What do you think will happen if you don’t put things where they belong?” Or, What kind of system could we create where you could always find things when you want to?” And so forth,

The above advice went a long way in raising my three kids skillfully without being domineering, and I view my friend’s advice as some of my own best lessons in child raising.

4:) Instill healthy eating habits. Kids, from toddler to teen, burn an incredible amount of energy, and for them, unlike adults, snacking is OK— in theory. We go wrong by allowing them to snack on traditional snack food, chips, cookies, and so forth. Thankfully while my kids were beginning to create eating habits I met a neighbor who had kids about four and five, a boy and a girl. I noticed that whenever I went to visit their home there was always a big plate of sliced apples and carrots, or a fruit dish and raw nuts. I asked my neighbor about it (she, by the way is a psychiatrist) and she said, if you start them on chips and cookies it will be almost impossible to change the habit, but if you start them on nutritious food, they will naturally resist traditional snack food.

Takeaway: Begin early if you can, but it is never too late to influence good eating habits to a child. Beginning is simple. Always have food out that they can’t avoid bumping into. I stall can see the crystal platter of raw vegetables and fruit that my friend kept on a small table near the kitchen door. Now as adults (I know them both) they have no interest in “snacks,” but keep an apple, orange, and carrot in a Ziplock with them, just like Mom!

5:) Rules and discipline show love: I learned this lesson way too late. My two teenage girls were full on into the LA party scene. I was a no-rules-Dad and found out that my lenient ways made my girls feel less loved. Please, learn from my mistake. Discipline your child and have rules, because it protects them and shows you care.

Takeaway: Perhaps I was lax with my kids because I felt they would like me more, if so, it was unconscious. But, although I learned the lesson too late, I have read enough on child psychology to know the value of rules and discipline. In the short term, we may be less popular with our kids if we are strict, but in the long term they will love us more because they realize that all the rules we made for them was because we care and love them.

6:) Your Point Should Not Be Pressed Being right can go sour when we press our point. We must recognize it and walk away, allowing space for another opportunity to arise.

Once I picked up my thirteen-year-old boy’s notebook and was shocked to see swastikas and anti-Semitic essays. He was thirteen and perhaps wanted to piss off a teacher he didn’t like, or be counter culture, but I was too angry to talk to him. I waited for a good time several days later and quizzed him on his thoughts of racism and ethnic cleansing and found seeds of racism sprouting.

I spent over an hour asking him to explain the logic in his views, rather than ask him to see the absurdity in them. Using reasoning alone, he admitted that the views in his easy were only for the sake of taking a counter-culture view, and admitted there are better ways.

Takeaway: Lead your child through reasoning to see their error and reach the (no pun intended) reasonable conclusion on their own. It must belong to them, not us.

7:) Mentor their friends: If you are respected by their friends, your children will more inclined to listen to your advice. I made it a point to host many sleepovers, parties, and outings as my children grew up. Many of their friends were close to me and still are (even though they are now in their thirties.) By being a friend to their friends, we present another dimension for our kids to see us. Being a friend is an important element of parenting.

Takeaway: Never be afraid to have your kids and their friends get a laugh at your expense, to be silly and tease you, trick you, hide your stuff, and basically do what they do with their friends. Play the game well, and you will have more authority and respect when the occasion arises.

8:) Go to churches, temples, monasteries, and so forth. Even if we are not into “dharma,” taking our children on an occasional outing to churches of a variety of traditions plants seeds in their mind and may provide direction later. Early familiarity with differing religious perspectives, allows children to grow into savvy and astute pilgrims later on, if that they be. I wish my father had done that with me; it would have saved me bumping around so much.

Takeaway: Don’t force religion, even your own, on a child, but don’t fail to expose him or her to the “dharma” either. I took mine to many religious venues from about one year on up. They settled on Buddhism, but because they knew the difference, and were not ignorant of other viable options. I might also add, that churches are good places to meet people and make friends.

9:) Let them be: Never discourage a child. I can swim miles in rough ocean water, and when my thirteen-year-old boy started swimming with me, I was delighted. After a month of daily swims, I started picking up the pace and distance. One day he went to the shore and didn’t swim with me again. I hope someone can learn from my mistake. If your child does an activity with you, enjoy it on their terms, not yours. If you do this, you may not be the jock you want to be, but, hey! You are bonding with your son or daughter!

Takeaway: When doing activities with children let them dictate the pace.

10:) Introduce young ones to offbeat skills: Infants to pre-teens are ripe to be introduced to skills of many variety and throwing in an out-of-the-ordinary one will shape their brains to think outside the box. A friend even mentioned to me that I should teach my grandchild sign-language as infants pick it up especially well, for example. I am currently teaching my three-week old grandchild, Moksha, Sanskrit, flash cards and all! What fun!

Takeaway: Introduce children to skills that are out of the ordinary. It will stimulate cognitive function and will be a source of pride later, and perhaps something they develop further or that becomes a source of livelihood.

Above are ten of many suggestions I can think of and I would love to hear from my readers of their favorite tips. I hope my words make a child somewhere a bit more happy and well adjusted.

Comments