The Elephant of Doubt.

“We’re standing on top of a huge elephant and we don’t even know it’s there.” Larry Ward offered these provocative words during a recent meditation retreat I attended in Estes Park Colorado. Larry is a Dharma Teacher in the Zen Buddhist tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh. In Larry’s elephant metaphor we are all tiny creatures riding our enormous emotions of which we can be completely unaware. Sometimes the elephant in the room is us! Larry is not poking fun at us; on the contrary, he is giving us what he thinks we need to realize our bodhisattva potential, our potential of being someone who is committed to relieving the suffering of others.

Our emotions can be our largest obstacles, but they can also be our vehicle to arriving on the path of a bodhisattva. Whether our emotions help or hinder us depends on our ability to practice mindfulness. When we learn to be aware of our emotions and to hold them gently without pushing them away or clinging to them we develop compassion for ourselves. From that place of awareness and compassion for the elephant beneath us we may choose to walk the path of a bodhisattva.

Lately, the elephant I’ve been riding is the elephant of doubt. As some of my former romantic partners and past employees would gladly attest I have failed on occasion to offer the emotional support and attention deserving of those who were giving that to me. While I have no excuse for that shortcoming the reason for it is likely that I frequently forget to offer that support and attention to myself. I get caught up in my professional responsibilities and neglect to create the space I need to take care of myself. The irony here is that I am the Executive Director of a nonprofit organization I created to further my own passion as an outdoor educator. My life’s work is getting in the way of deeply living my own life! My doubt is concerned with whether or not I can achieve a balance between—or better yet more fully integrate—my professional life and my commitment to be a bodhisattva.

“The world needs more bodhisattva,” Larry reminded us throughout the retreat. He asked us to consider what the bodhisattva commitment meant to each of us. For me the bodhisattva path pointed back to the personal exploration that is necessary to develop a deep self-awareness and self-care throughout all the different parts of my life. It seemed to me that to be a bodhisattva for others we first must be one onto ourselves. That meant I needed to make a stronger effort to continuously cultivate my awareness and self-compassion after I got up off the meditation cushion and then sat back down in front of my computer screen at work.

As I explore my elephant of doubt in terms of integrating mindfulness into my professional life it occurs to me that doubt is also my elephant with regards to my commitment of being a bodhisattva. Walking such a path is not always easy; perhaps it is easy only rarely. The strength of the behemoth that is our emotions can easily overwhelm us. Dare we explore that colossus? An easier way of life might be to simply bump along even if the ride is jarring from time to time. However, if we find courage we can look at the elephant and begin to unpack its long, curled trunk. The world needs more bodhisattvas. Dare we answer that call?

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