Time: Fear’s Favorite Food.

Recently I heard it said that fear’s favorite food is time.  In other words, if you’re afraid to do something, keep waiting to do it, and that fear will grow.  I’ve been seeing these prompts from Elephant Journal to write and “post now” for weeks, experiencing them as first as interesting, then a whisper in my ear, a nudge, and today, a shove and a shout, “come on, just do it already!”

When I was 13 years old, I started a journal with the words, “Writing…where does the skill come from?”  Despite not being anything like an avid reader, I felt like I wanted to be a writer, but I didn’t know if I had what it took. Then, I filled the pages of that notebook with my 13 year old thoughts and observations anyway.

In my early 20’s, I think, I looked back at that journal and was disappointed in the lack of depth and eloquence in my writing, finding much of it “silly,” and I believe I decided that the answer was no, I didn’t have it.  A few years later during a surge in interest in my own family history and genealogy, I endeavored to produce a family newsletter.  I remember consulting my mother’s cousin, and her comment that it had to be well-written.  I agreed, and managed to get two of them out before finding it all too daunting to come up with new and interesting content more than twice in one year, and that was the end of The Fig Tree Times.

I’ve often been complimented for how I express myself in words on and off the page, but here I am in my 40’s, still too fearful to share anything I write broadly.  These recent prompts from Elephant are coinciding with the eve of a turning point, if you will.  I am a trainer/coach/project coordinator in the New York State Child Welfare System, and in the next year, the state will end its contract with my agency.  I am also a yoga teacher at the front end of co-leading her first 200 hour yoga teacher training.  So, I spend a lot of time expressing myself in words.  Putting them on the page is still a different animal.

For now, I’ll put these down: I am scared.  I am excited.  I am wildly curious about what possibilities lie ahead if I divorce myself from perceived limitations.  I’m anxious to create, and anxious about creating.  And, sometimes I just wanna binge watch The Crown.  But in this moment, I’m feeling pretty good about starving fear of any more time to grow in one small way.

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