*TIMELY* An Open Letter to My Narcissist (Revised)

To You;

You know exactly who you are.

I think about you frequently, even though I wish I could stop. You popped up in my thoughts again the other day because I am finally happy, and sometimes; that scares me. You popped up again because I no longer feel constant guilt, and sometimes; that scares me. You popped up again because I became frustrated with someone, and he didn’t scream at me and make me feel small; we talked about it and resolved the problem, and that scared me.

It scared me because I’m supposed to feel guilt. I’m supposed to feel like walking on egg shells. I am supposed to hate myself for days for having any outward emotion! I’m supposed to be self conscious and distant. I AM SUPPOSED TO FEEL SMALL!! But I don’t!!  and sometimes; that scares me. It doesn’t scare me because I WANT to feel that way. It scares me because I used to let You make me feel that way. It scares me because that used to be my normal. It scares me because you took everything I had to give you, and you stomped on it. It scares me because you abused me, but kept me blind so I let you.

You abused me. There, I said it! YOU ABUSED ME!

You slapped me with your words, you hit me with self hate and you beat me down emotionally. You never physically hit me: but you did abuse me, and like most who find themselves in this tight spot, I realized once it was too late, once the damage was already done.

I don’t think anyone realizes that’s what it is until it’s too late — or maybe we do know; maybe we know in our gut; but don’t want the heart to know. Because as long as the heart doesn’t know (or admit it) it isn’t real, right? Either way, you decided to pop up in thought and conversation again, but this time, I wasn’t letting you beat up my whole day, you were NOT going to make me sad again.

Funny how someone you haven’t talked to in months can still have such a huge impact on you. At least you can’t make me cry anymore. You can’t scream at me anymore, you can’t control how I think about myself, and you can’t tell me it’s “all in my head” anymore. No, you haven’t been able to do that in a long time, and you never will again.

You fucked me up, and you broke me down. You controlled almost three years of my life, and made me doubt that true love existed. Did you know what you were doing? You said you’d never hurt me, you said you’d always be there, and I guess you were right…sort of. You didn’t physically hurt me.

On the one hand, if you did know what you were doing; that makes you an evil, sadistic twat, but if you didn’t, does that make me unlucky? Unlovable? Naive?Or does that make you blinded by ego?

You see going into our relationship, I thought you were my Forever. I thought I found The One, the one I’d spend my life with, grow old with and go on adventures with.

What I didn’t anticipate was the roller coaster we went on, the one you made me get on. The ups; the “I love you”s, the “you mean the world to me”s, the “I’m a child of divorce and I don’t know what love is”. Then the lows… the screaming matches, guilt trips, manipulation, and neglect.

UP!! “I love you, you know that”

DOWN “your depression is made up” “no one else is like that”

UP! “You make me so happy” “my family loves you”

DOWN “She’s just a friend…”. “She’s not flirting”

UP! “You look pretty today”.

DOWN! “Who are you wearing that for?” “You’re messes up and broken”

A constant, three- year roller coaster of red flags, self hate, and emotional abuse. Boy were you good at keeping the sheet over my eyes. Did we even have a relationship? Or did I just develop a desensitized and fucked up picture of what love was. You told me you loved me. You said that I should know that. You told me that you “didn’t have to tell me all the time, I should just know”. You told me a lot of things.

“If you’re not sleeping with him, why do you hang out with him?”

“I don’t have to do anything with you”

“why can’t you just smile when “C” says mean/ sexual things? Why do you always need to bitch to me about it? He’s just making jokes. He’s my friend”

That wasn’t love. Not at all. Did you ever love me? I’d like to think you did when I asked you to go for milkshakes with me the first time I met you. I’d like to think you did when you introduced me to your manipulative, self-righteous mother, and I’d like to think you loved me when you asked me to move in with you. But, on second thought, I’m not so sure.

Somehow, through it all, I was able to keep holding on to a small piece of who I was. The small piece that kept the friend that was there for me, that cared about me. You know, the one you hated, the one you accused me of sleeping with. The one that always came for me when I needed him. I kept him, and all the other ones that are still by my side despite your efforts to isolate me for yourself.

It’s truly astonishing how lonely someone can feel when they’re in a shit “relationship”. But I guess I do have something to thank you for. Thank You for showing me what love wasn’t. Thank you for showing me just how low I could get, and keep going, and thank you for showing me what a healthy relationship is NOT.

Because of you, I know how it feels to feel completely alone, neglected and hopeless. Because of you, I decided I never wanted to feel that way again. And maybe, because of you, someone will read this and realize that how they are being treated, before it’s too late.

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