Today Was Different

The morning was cool, but, beautiful. Rays of sunlight streaked through fog and tree branches to reflect off the dew that clung to grass like tiny diamonds. It was quiet here, except for the birds chirping in the tree tops and the creek water bouncing around rocks as it made it’s way clumsily down the mountain.

“This is a perfect morning.”, she thought, as she slipped out of her shoes and stepped into the water.

She had come here on mornings like this before, but, today was different. Her favorite dog was not by her side, she did not bring her fishing gear or pack water for a hike. Today she only brought the tool she needed.

It had been another week of fighting followed by days on end of uncomfortable silence. She couldn’t stand to be in that house another minute. She couldn’t go through another day of trying to make herself invisible while he sat on the couch, staring straight ahead for endless hours. She had sent the kids off to school and settled the dogs, then made her way to the only place she ever found peace.

As she stood there, letting the water flow over her feet, she looked up at the tree tops before closing her eyes.

She had been fighting this for so long, but, today was different, today she let it happen. The memories came flooding back through her mind like waves crashing on the shore.

Every lie uncovered, every harsh word, every threatening advance, the cold silence, the fear in her children’s eyes when they witnessed it all.

Today was different, though. This time, the rest of her past broke through, too. The loss of the only man who never hurt her, the hands of her first love around her throat as he squeezed the air away, the numbness she felt when he pressed the gun to her head, the loss of her first babies.

The weight of it was crippling. As the tears fell, she sat down on a rock, unable to stop the shaking. Every muscle ached, her chest heaved with each sobbing breathe.

She layed her face in her hands, her long, dark hair falling across her lap. This was it. This was the moment she had convinced herself must happen. She pulled the knife from her pocket, prepared to make it all stop.

As she rested the blade on her wrist, trying to gain control of her trembling hands, the rush of memories changed.

Now, all she could see was her children’s tear soaked faces, the cold, silent man offering no comfort to them, the look in their eyes as they faced a childhood without her.

She saw her beautiful girls on their wedding days with no mother at their side. She saw her little boys crying themselves to sleep with no one to hold them after a nightmare.

She broke….again. This time it wasn’t under the weight of her past and present. She broke under the realization of what she would leave behind. The pain, fear and loss would be passed on to her babies.

Hands still trembling, she threw the knife in the water, wrapping her arms tightly around herself, trying to gain control.

Today was different. Today she promised to find a way to heal, to end the cycle of pain for herself and those little faces imprinted on her heart.

She spent the next several hours next to that creek, letting the serenity of this place comfort her like it always had, making peace with it all, thanking God for trembling hands and a second chance.

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