We were in love! (Possible trigger warning)

I met and married the love of my life. After two failed marriages he was exactly what I needed. He was so complimentary, sweet and gentle that I called him “my gentle giant”. I was so in love with my dear husband. At first, he was everything a mother of four, grandmother of one, twice divorced could have wanted. He was 20 years my junior which didn’t seem to matter to either of us. We were in love! We both worked second shift jobs and would meet at home to have dinner together after our work days were finished. We were in love! After some time had passed, my husband began to stay later at work. He worked in the kitchen of a local pub (this is where we met). The kitchen closed at 1am so I would anticipate his arrival shortly thereafter.  We were in love!

His workdays seemed to be getting longer and longer. I would make dinner, eat mine alone, cover and put his dinner in the refrigerator so it wouldn’t spoil.  I finally asked him what was going wrong at work that he had to stay so late every night. He lost his temper and screamed in my face that “it was nothing” and I needed to “mind my fucking business“. We were in love.

This continued for the better part of six months, him “working” late and me minding my business. Until dear husband didn’t come home at all from work one night. He arrived home just as I was getting ready for work. I confronted him and demanded an explanation. That was the first time he hit me. He said that my constant questioning and mistrust of him made him feel bad about himself and he “had to drink alcohol to make himself feel better“.  He said if I hadn’t questioned him as soon as he arrived home, he wouldn’t have had to hit me. We were in love.

This pattern got exponentially worse over the next two years. My dear husband had multiple affairs that were my fault too. His drinking and drug problems…my fault as well. Everything that was wrong with everything in his world was my fault. We were in love.

After seven years of this emotionally charged roller coaster, I got off that insane ride. I finally saw him for what he truly was. I had never knew what a narcissistic sociopath was. I never knew there were people who lived solely to bring other people to their breaking point. These people want you to believe that you are sick, that you have serious mental health problems because you have become paranoid and full of anxiety. This paranoia, anxiety & panic are the intentional byproducts of surviving the narcissistic sociopath’s agenda. Make no mistake, these individuals do whatever they have to to feed their insatiable egos. They will use you up and toss you aside without having the slightest bit of conscience.

I made it out of that nightmare. Just barely. I am definitely not the same person I was when I met and married him. That is the greatest testament to the strength of the spirit. If I was the same as before, there is the danger of repeating such a grievous error of judgement. I have always been interested in the human condition and this experience is no different. I learned to trust my judgement again. I believe in love and hope that one day I will have that loving, supportive, nurturing relationship I yearn for.

I finally love me again and that’s enough for right now.

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