Your Heart Wants You

Feels. The heavy kind. The persistent kind. When it feels like a nightmare is happening in your body. When you’re queueing in public and sadness falls on your lap. Deep sadness. And you don’t know how to hold it.. or where to put it. You wonder why you feel so locked out of your own self. A dense, loud numbness sums up your existence, and nothing can soothe it. It walks everywhere with you. It’s there when you’re celebrating and it’s there when you’re grieving. So, what the hell is going on? What exactly is this intensity?

It’s you. Begging for your own attention.

I unknowingly walked around with this feeling for most of my life. I thought it was in my design to be forever in mourning. Lost. The single glitch in the matrix. The only problem to exist without a solution. Life seemed to affirm this belief for me. A sense of something being eternally absent. The more I thought about it, the more it scared the shit out of me. Living life in deep isolation. If you can relate, I feel you… I really do.

Nothing is ‘wrong’, but perhaps there are things that are neglected. There is you that is being neglected. Maybe not in the way that you think. It’s the aspects of you that were rejected in childhood – where most of the shit happens (the shit is your portal into the ‘shift’)

When we are younger, we process things differently. That is step one to healing, to leave your grown up rationale at the door. It will not serve you here. Instead, let us summon openness and unconditional compassion. When we experience rejection, abandonment, betrayal and other cruel behaviors, we do not possess the emotional capacity to process these feelings. So what do we do? We assume that we are faulty somehow. We misinterpret. We form a belief that is not in alignment with truth. This can look like ‘I am unlovable’ ‘Everyone leaves me’ ‘It’s not safe to trust’. These believes become lodged in our emotional bodies as feelings. And we live our lives from that place. From that wounding. We meet people, and we meet life with our traumas, without even realizing it. The heaviness you’re wondering about, is that. It’s the old rejection, abandonment, betrayal taking up space in your body, in the now. In your current physical existence. It shows up as a persistent tightness in the chest. Or a sinking feeling in your stomach. It can show up anywhere. Anyhow.

If this doesn’t resonate with your conscious mind – it’s okay. All of this pertains to the realm of the subconscious. Where the ‘darkness’ lives. It’s not really darkness though, it is simply unloved love.

So what do we do now?  A lot of you may not love the solution. It may (actually, it definitely will) cause you to feel unsafe. Scared. For some of you even – weak. Small. Inferior.

But your emotional freedom lives in your vulnerability. How much you allow yourself to see, and be seen. How raw and naked you’re willing to be. It takes deep bravery to meet your past. To meet whatever lives in your subconscious. But it is what will set you free. What will create space in your body. What will give you that deep sense of safety and belonging. The feeling of home. Warmth. Real Love.

It also helps to have someone hold loving space for you. Someone who has met their darkness time and time again and can hold your hand as you hold yours. Someone who can guide you into the depths of you, and pour their love and presence there.

There are many ways to connect to the deeper layers of us. To access whatever is stuck in our emotional bodies. To move the stagnancy around. To free up the pain, the trauma, the blocks. I will get into that in another post. But I’ll leave you with a general idea of how to meet yourself.

Presence. Unconditional presence. Sit in stillness, close your eyes and breathe into your body. As you are taking deep conscious breaths, you will naturally become aware of the areas in your body which feel tighter, where you’re holding tension. It is likely that it is also where you are holding the old stories. That is where your work lies.

That probably doesn’t help – I know, I know. I promise I will cover the technicalities of it in my next post. I will teach you how to hold yourself. There are many ways, and many things to consider. But if you take away anything from this post, let it be that 1) you are not alone (I am truly here for you) 2) the affirmation that: it is safe to be vulnerable.

All my love your way,

Maryam

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