There’s something beautiful about a freshly broken heart, about the newly discovered wisdom amongst the shattered pieces.

Breaking up isn’t always easy, even when it’s necessary – even when it’s best. Sometimes we hold on to broken things for far too long, knowing fully that we’re unhappy. But why?

Validity.

We feel we need a reason to leave. There must be a reason we’re unhappy. We’ll go back and forth, questioning whether there is enough evidence to prove our discontent stems from our partner.

The truth is, sometimes things just aren’t right. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason. Like trying to combine puzzle pieces that simply don’t fit – neither piece is wrong, they’re just meant to end up somewhere else in the grand scheme of things.

Fear.

We ask ourselves, “What if I’m making the wrong choice? What if I’m being too picky? What if I’m being ungrateful? What happens when they find someone new?” All accompanied by the dreaded fear of simply being alone, the ache of missing someone, the emptiness of crawling into a vacant bed, the uneasy feeling of starting over.

We fear temporary pain more than we fear being with the wrong person. In reality, what should scare us is settling. To not set free what no longer works, to allow room for what might. Your gut instinct is by far your best – trust it.

Love.

We don’t start dating with the intent to breakup, we date with the intent of building a future – together. You love them.

However, there’s a difference between being in love and loving someone. It sounds cliché, but we expect these things go hand in hand. They don’t. We will love many people in our lifetime: our family, our friends, our coworkers, our patients, our professors. Hell, we even love the familiar face of the nameless stranger we see every week at the gas station.

But – to fall in love is to be completely transparent, vulnerable, selfless, and pure. It’s raw, unconditional love. And whatever defines that love, it should be reciprocated by both parties.

The Timeline.

We tell ourselves that we’re supposed to be in a long-term relationship. That said relationship is meant to turn into an engagement, and finally marriage. All of which should have been achieved BEFORE we’ve reached a certain age. And for those choosing to have children, there’s an added pressure.

We create unrealistic timelines based on the successes of those around us, that we then use to determine when events should occur in our own lives. This never works, but we do it anyway. If we break stride, we assume this is a setback.

Know this: your life is just that, your own. It is defined by you. If you continuously compare yourself and your life to others, you will only find disappointment. Compete only with yourself.

Self-doubt.

We start to question our own worth. We wonder why every time we get close to someone, we are brought back to square one. “Is it me?” runs through our heads, followed by, “Why?”.

The worst thing we can do is to damper our own self-esteem. If we lower self-expectation, we lower our standards. We lose sight of ourselves: who we are, what we desire, what we believe in and what we deserve.

Recognize you are imperfect, own your mistakes, but never dethrone yourself for someone who is unworthy of the empire you’ve worked tirelessly to build.

The Idea.

Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies in relationships is creating a false identity for our partner.

Choosing to ignore the obvious red flags and making excuses for their actions, as if to not interrupt the picture-perfect idea we’ve created in our head as to what our relationship is supposed to be and look like. AKA the idea.

This ties in with self-doubt and fear, as if we think we won’t find better. And so, we’d rather struggle with the relationship we’re in, settling for what we assume we deserve, than to strive for something better.

It’s a dangerous game, a self-inflicted one at that. Actions don’t lie – don’t neglect to see them. But perhaps more importantly, don’t neglect to feel them.

Don’t hide behind the idea of the relationship: be present, be realistic, be honest. See the relationship for all that it is now, and from that, all it can and will ever be.

It’s day two of my breakup. I sit in a cold room, with the shades drawn, listening to sappy alternative while writing about these truths – my feet are freezing, and I’m reminded of all the times I used to press them against his burning skin. I recall the whimper he’d make when I committed the crime and how I’d argue that it was his duty to warm me, for I couldn’t help that I was a woman and we’d laugh.

Breaking up isn’t easy. It’s making a choice that someone you care for, isn’t meant to be in your life anymore. It’s ending a chapter of your life and it’s accepting the start of another.

It’s holding love and choosing to set it free. It’s the kind of change that gives us cold feet.

And at first, we’ll whimper. And then, we’ll battle our emotions. And in the end, we’ll laugh.