Yesterday, on International Woman’s Day, I posted a photo of my mom and I. She’s, of course the most influential woman in my life and I had the best day walking along the beach with her, talking about life, finally getting to be in her company in stead of sharing our lives over the phone – getting to hug her, kiss her and tell her with both my eyes and words how much I love her.

Later in the afternoon one of her friends whom I haven’t seen in years came by our place. I hugged her and said how nice it was to see her, she replied “well you could gain some weight”.. “I know,” I said. “Well at least you know it.”

I woke this morning to multiple messages, from very well-intended friends and family members asking if I’m ok, saying that I look very thin in this picture and they’re worried about me. I know all of this comes from ‘a good place’ – the thing is, I get told every single day how bad I look at the moment, how my body isn’t the right size and therefore their must be something wrong with me.

I spent my last year living in Iraq. Whereas the vast majority of my colleagues never left the office, I was in the field nearly every day. I signed a contract that I was willing to move in soft top vehicles, because arranging armoured cars and convoy missions every day, would be unrealistic and not allow the same access to these communities as it would that I’m willing to travel without the same security measures. I agreed because I’ve worked under security ideologies that argue these massive convoys with big blue UN targets on the side are actually less safe. Still, you feel insecure. We would travel through at least 10 checkpoints every time – all of the world’s most well-know militias – The Kurdish PKK, Peshmerga, The Iranian al-Hashd al-Shaabi, PMF, and Iraqi Army. In communities where I would interview or monitor field teams, we would stay about 20 mins max, knowing someone could alert an ISIL sleeper cell about my being in the community. I would interview at a house who would tell me, “don’t go to the house 2 doors down, those are ISIL”. As there’s now a state sanctioned ISIL witch-hunt to ‘kill first ask questions later’ –  my field team would show me their phones, before I knew what I would be looking at, and then explain it’s an ISIL member floating in the river.

Also during my time there, the Kurds attempted to gain sovereignty from Iraq, which was not met well by the Iraqi government who shut-down  international flights from the airport, making it so we would need to be emergency evacuated if their threats and their attacks on oil-rich areas reached a boiling point into civil war.

Last year was not an easy one on me.. on top of these stressors in my professional life, my partner’s mom passed away tragically and unexpectedly. I left the office in an instant and caught the next flight to Baghdad the only airport where I could take an international flight out of the country to Vienna. I spent 2 months with him and his five kids, working remotely and trying my best to support, while all of the stress in both our lives was eating away at our relationship.

Some people stress eat, I get anxious and lose my appetite. Food is literally the last thing I’m thinking about in these moments, and so I did lose about 15 pounds, which I didn’t need to. I’m bordering on a ‘healthy body weight’ – nowhere near a health concern, but definitely am trying to regain.

The reason I write all of the above is not to justify my weight – maybe in some ways it is, but mostly to express what I’ve noticed about weight and the woman’s body in general. Right now, nearly every single day, someone – be it a stranger, friend, or family friend – comments on my body. Some people say how incredible I look, as I currently fit the images that most media and fashion magazines promote as a ‘beautiful body.’ Others of course say the opposite, how much better I would look if I would just gain a few pounds. While I don’t think body image is a very easy topic for many women at any weight, this has certainly started to take it’s toll on my self-perception in ways that I need to be very cautious of. I find myself dressing in baggy clothes, I don’t like looking at myself naked, I sometimes catch myself thinking, man you look gross – like skeletor … I love to play sports and struggle to wear shorts or tights because it’s so revealing. I sometimes feel I need to stuff myself for a month so other people will be less concerned about me, if I need to pee at a meal with acquaintances, I find myself rushing as fast as possible so that no one thinks I’m vomiting up my food.  I know that for most Women in North America their struggle is to lose weight – always telling themselves they would be a bit happier and more confident if they were just 10 pounds thinner – which I am, and can report that it doesn’t make you feel any more comfortable in your body, especially when everyone seems to believe it’s appropriate to comment on your weight and how good or bad you appear because of it.

When I was heavier I would hear of ‘skinny shaming’ and really roll my eyes. Now I’m very well aware that no one really says to someone, wow, you could stand to lose some weight, but for some reason everyone will tell you when you need to gain it – and this is not an objective health concern, as being overweight has just as serious health implications as does being under weight.

The fact is that a woman’s body and her appearance are ALWAYS on display to be discussed, judged, commented on. We don’t make a man’s weight a topic of conversation. I know this is nuanced and I’m not saying that all men love their bodies or are not comparing themselves to ‘the ideal man’ but it’s very rare that you would see a guy after a few years and the first thing out of your mouth would be ‘woah, nice dad-bod’ or my god, ‘eat a cheeseburger’…

I know that for myself I need to continue every day to work on self love and accepting my body in any form. Being compassionate to myself for the reasons above and why my bodies natural reaction under all of that stress was to burn more calories than I could consume. In time, and with the inevitable ebbs and flows of life, I will be more at peace as I am now, and I will put weight back on naturally, but if I were to stay this thin, I need to love and accept my body irregardless. It’s likely that all of these comments have helped to bring my own work and personal development into focus and I should be grateful. But I wanted to write this for the women who tell themselves when they dress in the morning that they need to lose 10 pounds, who might see a picture of me or a magazine image of someone with the same proportions as me want to be thinner – it won’t make a difference. The only difference to be made is by working on your self love and coming to a place where you know in your heart you’re absolutely ok no matter what shape or size society tells you to fit into.